Silent Prayers

A Single Mother’s Guide of Hope and Freedom from Abuse

By Sheryl L. Knapp

Strength in Unity[1]

Resource Hotlines:

Battered Women’s Justice Project 800-903-0111

Bureau of Indian Affairs County Child Abuse Hotline

800-633-5155

ChildHelp

USA

National Hotline 800-4-A-CHILD (800-422-4453)

TDD 800-2-A-CHILD (800-222-4453)

Juvenile Justice Clearinghouse 800-851-3420

National Center for Missing and Exploited Children

800-843-5678

TDD 800-826-7653

National Center for Victims of Crime 800-FYI-CALL (800-394-3255)

National Children’s Alliance 800-239-9950

National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information

800-729-6686

Español 877-767-8432

TDD Hotline 800-487-4889

Hearing Impaired 800-735-2258

National Crime Prevention Council 800-NCPC-911

(800-637-3911)

National Criminal Justice Reference Service 800-851-3420

National Domestic Violence HOTLINE 800-799-SAFE

(800-799-7233)

TTY HOTLINE 800-787-3224

National Organization for Victim Assistance 800-TRY-NOVA

(800-879-6682)

National Organization for Parents of Murdered Children, Inc.

888-818-POMA (888-818-7663)

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence 800-537-2238

TTY HOTLINE 800-537-2238

National Sexual Violence Resource Center 877-739-3895

Office for Violence of Crime Resource Center 800-851-3420

TTY 877-712-9279

Office for Victims of Crime Training and

Technical Assistance Center 866-683-8823

TTY 866-682-8880

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network 800-656-4673

Resource Center on Domestic Violence, Child

Protection and Custody 800-527-3223

Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence www.ccadv.org.

Focus on the Family Help/Abuse Line 1-800-A-FAMILY

1-800-232-6459

http://www.crimevictims.gov/flash.html is a website for information, resources on victim’s rights, services and criminal and juvenile justice. For a free DVD on Victims’ Rights, contact the U.S. Postal Inspectors at www.usps.com/postalinspectors

All poetry and photos are by the author or found in Microsoft clipart freeware.

First North American Rights Observed.

No part of this work shall be copied without prior

written permission.

She dances across

the pages

as her mind

dances across

her imagination

Above clipart from Dover Electronic Art Royalty-free Designs, Gibson Girl. All Biblical quotes, references, etc. are from the New International Version. All clipart is from Microsoft so it is copyright safe to share. All Photos are either Microsoft clipart or from author’s private collection and are copyright protected. Quotes used by permission.

“We must be a light for future generations.”

The Christian Music Group 4Him

The Dream of Your Promise

As another year begins to close,

I remember Your special gift to me

When the year began.

My heart was shattered,

lying in shards on the ground,

You saw my pain.

To comfort me, You sent me a sign.

It was just a small sight but You showed it to me

Three times over three days.

Though I’ve seen a balloon

Carry away my dreams,

I remember Your Promise

Whispered to me on gentle white wings.

Dear Friend:

I also have jumped, pinched, pulled, screamed, cried, lied, bargained, hassled, hustled, and ran for my life through the same situations you have survived. Yes, through the same drug world. I say “survived” because that’s what you have done: survived something others see in theaters while choking down popcorn hoping the bad guy doesn’t find the lady and her kids hiding out in the local abused women’s shelter. You and I know this life we lead is all too real and now you have to give yourself a chance to sort out your life and get down to raising your kids and just leading a “normal life,” at least a safe life. I hope that I can show you some good ways to fight this survival game.

The game of survival for me started early. Most of us are looking for a way out of our parents’ home and to get out on our own. I did when I was seventeen. What is the fastest way one can run from her parents (or parent) and feel she is a grown-up? You got it, say hello to the boyfriend a.k.a. the older guy who you find (or finds you) to “shack up with.” In this game, I found a guy who seemed weird at first (actually he was introduced by a mutual girlfriend) but eventually he won me over with his smooth talk. So how could I know that he was really bad at first? A girl usually makes “exceptions” to every guy she goes out with. Sounds familiar? There isn’t a guy in this world that is perfect and if he seems so, he wants some fashion doll with a bankroll to spare (and even those girls aren’t safe). Our guys are usually the blue-collar brigade looking for how many gals they can get. Only one in a million is real in mind and body. Maybe if we look for kindness first, will we find a good one? Never think you can change someone, it never works.

However, when you’re seventeen you make exceptions; even if I did hear him say things that made me stop and think, “Maybe he isn’t the one” or “what did he mean by saying he had a previous girlfriend who fought with him (literally) all the time?” I still tried to make the move to be free and out of whatever bad situation it was that made me leave in the first place. I thought, “red-flags” or no “red-flags,” I’m going to show that I’m grown up. I can make him change.

After obtaining my place in his “bachelor’s pad” amid his other three buddies, I thought I was on my way to adulthood. After all, I did get my diploma early. So what if he sells, smokes, eats, breathes, and wears pot (and only God knew what else), I would be considered Queen of this castle. That was all a bad dream. This Cinderella found out the hard way that drugs/alcohol and children don’t mix and never should. I had a hard look at my life when the cops were called because my husband was beating up the neighbors for not paying their rents when we were managers of a small apartment complex. Who should show up at my door but my very owe uncle, a Denver police officer well known in his district. Of coarse, ex wasn’t arrested either. I guess it was the sight of me holding my baby girl that made my uncle think twice.

I stood there with my baby girl in my arms and knew things had to change. It wasn’t until after I heard my Prince Charming say to his buddy, (who chose to remind him that he didn’t produce a boy) that he was going to have a “whole bunch of girls and open a whorehouse to make a profit.”

Then I realized that the beatings were not going to end and this man wasn’t going to change. So I did, I left with her and raced to my mom’s house with him charging after me. I took refuge at her house and called the police. I followed her well-experienced advice to a counselor who told me about Legal Aid, Thursday Night Bar Association. And this counselor told me about a single-mother housing project in downtown Denver, food stamps, Aid to Dependent Children (as Welfare was called then) and information on how to get into college. Sigh, that was a long, hard road but it was worth it. Why? I look at my daughter’s face, bright and cheerful, and I know it would have been a nightmare for her if I didn’t. I’ve had friends and their children die in this nightmare.

Now I hope to help you to get out while you still can or help you if you are already on your own. You can’t just go on the way it’s been going and think it’s going to get better and you can’t ignore it, for your children’s sake. No, I’m not perfect or here to preach to you, talk down to you or tell you how to raise your kids. But, if there is something in telling one’s own rocky road story, it is to help someone else down hers. Not many seem to understand where you’re coming from or where you’re going. On-the-other-hand, I hope to show you some helpful hints, short cuts, side steps and even some back-alleys in surviving this single mother life. I’ve been at this for about twenty years. No, you don’t have to do this the same way I did. But you don’t have to go through this alone. There is Someone else to protect you and your children. I’m not talking church or people you think will judge you. They have no right. I’m talking about Someone who has proven He is real and knows what you are going through. When it seems like you’re hardest hit, look at those little faces and know everything’s worth it and that you’re not alone. Not anymore.

Your friend,

Sheryl L. Knapp

“Keep me safe, O God for in you I take refuge.”

Psalm 16:1

Dedicated in Loving Memory to My Dear Friends:

Jacqueline Blecha

November 11, 1960—September 12, 2006

And her daughter

Ashley Martin

May 4, 1991—September 12, 2006

With a crack of thunder

And a flash of lightening

Shadows pass into Light.

GOD said, “Enough!

They are Mine.

You cannot hurt them anymore.”

And He took them Home.

CONTENTS

1. You are a survivor!

A. Getting a Handle on things: medically, financially and a safely.

B. You do have options.

2. God’s love for the divorced.

A. Will God love Me If I’m Divorced?

B. What does the Bible say about Divorce?

3. Relationships.

A. Good romances verses bad ones.

B. God’s Plan is a Good One.

C. How to go about it: Wait on the Lord

4. Money & Finances.

A. Emergency funds in extreme situations, temporary and permanent.

a. Where to find funds

b. Money-Saving Ideas

B. How to get by on your own.

a. Child Support Is Kids’ Right

b. Loans that spell danger

C. Believe the Lord will provide.

5. Legal Matters.

A. What the laws say when you need help and where to look.

B. Child support and visitation.

6. Housing.

A. A safe haven of your own.

B. Where do you begin after a safe house?

C. The making of a home.

7. Medical Issues.

A. Medical help for you and your children: vaccinations are free!

B. Insurance, a necessary tool. What’s out there?

C. Health problems to avoid.

D. Children’s health is vital—keep them healthy.

8. Employment.

A. Do you stay where you are or find another job?

B. Great tips on getting a job and keeping an up-beat, not beat-up attitude.

C. Starting a home-based busy and raising a family.

9. Education.

A. It’s never too late to start! Options are open everywhere.

B. Financial aid to help you reach for your dreams.

10. Travel.

A. How to get around—what resources are out there to get you going where you need to go.

B. Travel tips and vehicle problems.

11. Self Defense.

A. What’s the right way to protect yourself and your children?

B. What has happened to those who have chosen the wrong way?

C. Safeguarding your home, your children and yourself.

12. Children and Home.

A. How to put the pieces back together for them.

B. Helping them to make better choices.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of

Israel

, your Savior.” (Isaiah 43:1-2)

The Breath of a New Wind

I live for the breath of a new wind

and count each step on a path yet to explore.

You give me life

and hope to yet endure,

granting each minute to sow

through Time’s grace and strife

the seeds You give us to grow.

“Don’t you know that you, yourselves, are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple.” (1 Corinthians 3:16-17)

Many of us don’t consider ourselves temples, especially after being treated with violence. The other person didn’t make us feel all that special, to say the least. And to think we are God’s temple seems strange. Sure, we’ve heard what some say that they are temples to be worshipped when they speak out of pride. But to think of someone living inside us sounds like out of a monster movie, but most people do believe that we have a spirit. Once you ask God to forgive your for your sins, that you truly believe Jesus is the Son of God and ask Him to live in you and save you, God’s Spirit can live inside of you. He is like that warm feeling you can get when you feel love and are loved. He loves you because He loved you first, even before you ever heard of Him. That’s why He sent His only Son to us to show us that.

You might feel like you’re not worth love because you’ve been told that and were hurt. Like me, you may have done things that you’re not too proud of (things you can’t describe to your children) and they lead you in the wrong direction. Even through your mistakes, guilt, shame and pain—He knows you, what’s you’ve done and He still loves and cares for you.

I have felt the same. Once, or even more times, we have turned from Him and gone our own way. We all have done the same. We are like children who want what they want when they want it. Nothing else will do. He knows this but He is a true Father who will never leave you, and who will be there when you turn back to Him. He loves you and will forgive anything and everything you have done, if you ask Him and stop doing those things. Anything and everything!

Why? Because Jesus paid that price for every sin we all have committed or even thought of, (and for everyone throughout history) long before we were even born. Totally!

God finds you beautiful—just as you are. No, you didn’t plan things to go the way they did. Neither did He. Yet things happened the way they did. None of us are puppets; we do what we want. Pride was, and is, the original sin despite what the world has told you.[2] When bad things happen, it is the result of more than one person’s actions. In our case, our partner’s actions added the trouble or we choose the wrong guy (I know how that hurts), which resulted in devastation. Each of us is responsible for our own actions and choices. God did not want what happened to you. However, He will be here to help you and heal you from this and teach you to turn to Him before you go down that road again. Trust Him now. You are not alone. God has helped millions through this same situation. Even when we choose the wrong kind of guy, He will love and protect you.

I used to think that the Bible was written by men to use against women or to promote themselves but I read it and I have found that untrue. Each time Jesus (or God in the old Testament) came into contact with a woman who needed His help, and wasn’t against Him, He helped her in gentle ways. One woman came to Jesus when she had been sick with menstrual hemorrhaging for twelve years, she thought is she just touched His robe that she would be healed. She did but He called her out on it. He wasn’t being mean; he just wanted her to come to Him for forgiveness and to speak gently to her. “Jesus turned and said to her: “Take heart, daughter,” He said, “your faith has healed you.” Matthew 9:22 NIV Then He brought a dead girl back to life!

Another woman came and wept over His feet, anointed them with expensive oil, and dried them with her hair. She was a woman whose sin wasn’t specified but Jesus said “she has loved much.” Luke 7:44-50 He gently spoke to her and said she was forgiven. This one always gets to me because I feel He has forgiven for the same thing.

Another woman was “caught” in an act of adultery (of coarse they didn’t catch the guy) and the crowd but He stood up for her and sent the crowd away.

“If any of you are without sin, let him cast the first stone at her.” Again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, ‘Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you.” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

(John Chapter 8 verses 7b-11)

Chapter One

Getting a Handle On Things

As a gentle breeze

Whispers through the tickling leaves

of a new born tree

And as they shutter in the open Dawn,

God is whispering to you—

Telling you that it’s alright,

He is here for you.[3]

If there was any time to focus, it’s now! Find out what your options are for a place to live. Where can you go? How are you going to feed your children? What is out there to help you? Where do you start?

These are important questions. Traveling this road you’re on is a very hard one but you can do this! Remember, you’re not alone. God does love you and will be with you to open the doors to the path He wants you to take. He loves you and won’t take you down a path that will hurt you. I had the questions that may going through your mind running through my mind too when I left my husband who was abusive. Where am I going to go? Who is going to help me? How am I going to do this? The local women’s shelter is just one of the best places, or find somewhere where you and your children will be safe. I know this can be hard but pray first and God will show you the answer if you listen.

My mother worked for the city government so she took me to a counselor who helped city employees and their families. She helped me to know where to start. I was 21 and clearly unaware of what organizations were out there to help me. My ex husband made me feel so alone and friendless that I thought that I was helpless. However, this counselor had heard my story many times before.

Where do I go when I need help?

Start this process in your new life the right way. Prayer is imperative! He will guide you and protect you. After going through the horror you’ve been through, it’s nice to feel Someone is always near you and that you’re not alone. I know all this hurts now, but God got me and countless others through this and He can get you and your little ones through this, too. I know what you may be thinking, “Why? He didn’t answer my prayers before! He didn’t help my spouse change!” or “All this religion stuff makes me nervous. It is made up of people who want to tell me what to do!” or “Praying makes me feel weird. No one else I know does, why should I? It all sounds too freaky!” I thought the same thing.

Then I felt His presence once I got used to praying by myself and not even telling anybody. I felt comforted and then protected and even healed after a long time. But I have healed and I have become stronger. Don’t let anyone make you feel small and unimportant. Start now to feel stronger and find help through Him and the people He has put into place to help you.

“‘Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she has washed them with her tears. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head (which was a custom at the time), but she has poured perfume on my feet.

Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.’ To the woman, Jesus said, ‘your sins are forgiven…your faith has saved you; go in peace.’” (Luke 7:36-50)

What do you do first? Call 911, if you’re in serious trouble. Ask the operator what you should do in your particular situation. Stay calm at least enough to talk or it won’t help them to help you. She or he will contact the police or an ambulance if your situation calls for it. Your situation has value enough to call for a plan of action; no one has the right to say it doesn’t. I have had a neighbor pounding on my living room window in the middle of the night pleading for someone to help her because she was stabbed three times, beaten up and choked on and off for three hours trying to get away from her boyfriend. The neighbor had to leave her baby girl in the same apartment with the boyfriend and he had broken the phone. God came to her rescue!

My small neighborhood banded together and we all called the police so they were well aware of the situation. One of my neighbors had opened her door as I got to my window and let the barely dressed woman in. The police got there but not before the other guys in our little community chased the boyfriend out the door, over a fence and down the block. The baby girl didn’t get hurt but she was scared and took months to get over it. I believe her guardian angel watched over her. In the end, the boyfriend went to jail, she has healed and is married to a Christian guy and they have had more children. No kidding!

That may not always be the case for everyone, but you deserve to be free from fear. Pull your resources, as they say. I had friends from high school help me get my things moved out after my ex was served divorce papers. He wasn’t there but had his boss there. I only took what belonged to my baby and me. Who do you know you can depend on for help? Think of the ways in which that person or those people can help you. If you are unsure, pray and God will make those options open to you. He IS real and He will help you!

Ask yourself these questions to see what you need for you and your children now. Prioritize! Know where to go and what comes first!

1. Do you (or your children) need medical attention?

2. Do you have someplace safe to stay or have you escaped to a place that person doesn’t know about?

3. Are your children safe?

4. Have you “broken up” with that person? This one can be hard but you two need space apart. Keep your plan to yourself if you have to.

5. Has the abuser been arrested? This may not always be the case unless you press charges against him, have solid evidence if you do.

6. Do you have friends who can get things like food, money, clothing (even borrowed) or things for you and your children for you while you remain safe? Leave your things behind if you have to, if anything you can get a friend to get them later when the abuser isn’t home.

7. Do you have legal help?

8. Counseling isn’t for crazy people; it can help you focus on your feelings and what crazy things the abuser was doing. Do you have a counselor? It can help to get someone, who isn’t a friend, to help you think and they might know where you can find the things you need. Like I said, a women’s shelter can be a good place to start. Your feelings DO matter so find a professional to sort them out!

9. Do you have someone you trust to stay with you and your children?

10. Is there a safe place you can leave your children if you need to go to places that would be difficult for the abuser to go to?

11. Is your bank account in your name only? Can you call the bank or creditors to protect yourself from his abusing your credit or financial obligations?

12. Do you have reliable transportation, a car or public bus?

13. Do you know of places you can get help with food, shelter (your own place) counseling, money, legal help, medical help for you or your children, or help with medical bills?

14. Remember to think: “You go, girl!” And try to keep an up beat, not beat-up, attitude. You are going through something scary and you and your children deserve to be safe!

Answering “no” to any of these questions can give you an idea of what you need to do to create a safe life for yourself and your children. You are not alone. Others have been through this kind of nightmare, too. This situation is not your fault! You don’t have time for negative statements, destructive actions or placing the blame. The first thing you need to do is get yourself and your children safe. Don’t panic, there are people out there who are real, caring and able to help you. When I was going through my living nightmares, I asked God to help me and He did.

“I tell you the truth, whoever hears my Word and believes Him Who sent Me has eternal life; he has crossed over from death to life. (John 5:24)

A Safe Place

What is the second thing you can do? There is a Victim’s Advocate, most likely at the police station that knows how to help you and your children. Call a women’s crisis shelter. A crisis center can help you with everything you need to do and give you information on the subjects listed above. Find the number in the phone book. If you or your children don’t need medical attention, call their hot line or 911 (tell them what’s going on, if you are in danger, need medical attention, or even to ask how you can get to a local shelter) to find out what the number is. Don’t feel ashamed, embarrassed or that you will bother the police, that’s why they are there. They understand and have seen this situation more times than you think.

I know how the abuser has programmed your mind: first he tells you it’s your fault that you are going through this, next he will tell you or make you feel like you are alone. You are not alone. And this is NOT your fault!

●●●

“I will sleep in peace, for You alone, oh Lord, make me dwell in safety.” (Psalm 4:8)

●●●

I know all this hurts down to your soul. You may even feel you could change him (or her, some fathers have gone through have gone through this too) and that he could still change. That can’t be your worry right now. Right now, you have to think of your children and your life. God can change anyone but you can’t. Dreams die hard but now you need to separate from this abusive person. So let God handle him while you follow God to take care of you and your children.

Money

If you are having financial trouble, the best place to start if the Social Services in your area. When I went through this process, I didn’t have the Internet to help. You can try that first; it has everything! The first step for me, after prayer, was to go to Social Services. You may not have to go that direction if you have the resources, use them! Go where God shows you. Those opportunities will come up.

I didn’t have any resources so I had to go on welfare and food stamps. I know what you may be thinking: “not me! I don’t want to look like a welfare washout!” Well, you don’t have to if you have some money of your own that he doesn’t know about. Otherwise, this is only the first step in a temporary situation. If you need help with feeding your children and finding either a place to live or getting some financial help, this is the place. It is also a good idea for Medicaid to care for the medical finances for your children, if you don’t have any. Anything is better than being on those streets with your babies. I couldn’t rely on anyone else, except God. He showed me this way.

Childcare and work

When talking to Social Services, be polite and ask if there are any programs to help you out with childcare and getting a job, if you don’t already have one. If your ex is harassing you at work, (mine kept coming in to the pizza place I was working at and getting loudly drunk) get a restraining order so you won’t have to get another job, unless you feel that would be the best way. A counselor might suggest that you get another job so your ex won’t know where you’re working. Also, a good idea may be to get your childcare in a place your ex doesn’t know.

Legal Help—things can get ugly

If you have a lawyer already, tell him or her everything you are doing to get a better life for you and your kids. Don’t get into another relationship at this time or go partying because the children’s father can use this against you in court. You ex’s lawyer may use this against you saying you are provoking him, are a bad parent and keeping him from his children. I don’t think the Court could hold it against you if you feel your children may be in danger if they go with their father. Just keep this all in mind and talk with your legal representative. You can settle the custody of the children later when you feel they are safe. Find out what your state’s law is from the library. I put more information in Chapter 5 on Legal issues.

“Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, ‘For Your sake we are being out to death all day long; we were considered as sheep to be the slaughtered.’ But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, not principalities, nor things present, nor things to come nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:35-39

When registering your children at a childcare place, mark down that the child’s father (or the abuser) does not have the right to pick them up if you have a restraining order. Many places know about this kind of problem and they will understand. Just think that you are in a witness protection program. The principles are the same, at least until you find legal help to put custody rights in place.

If you have reached steps 4 or 5 above, the next step is to set yourself up as an independent person. Some of you may think that sounds lonely and hard but it’s nothing compared to what you’ve gone through! Look at the next steps as temporary help until things in your life get better for you and your children. I am explaining this process to those of you who have gone through what I have gone through and how God lead me to safety.

My plan was: to get out and get help anyway I could. Some women who have gone through these same things have suffered worst. Like I said, I lost a friend who was murdered with her teenage daughter by her husband (not the girl’s father). She didn’t listen to anyone who told her to get help and stayed with him, even with his drinking. Alcohol turns to vinegar in some people, which turns into a demon or makes them a monster.[4] I hope this is not your case but if it is, remember you’re not alone and God can protect you. Call on Him and He WILL save you. Don’t wait until it is too late!

Many say they can’t hear Him. I’ve been through that and find the only way I can hear Him is to listen well and watch the opportunities He shows you. He conquered the devil before and He can do it for you.

Me, pregnant and miserable

If you can’t find another way than the shelter, relax and tell yourself this is temporary. Call Social Services and ask to set up an appointment or how you can get an application for welfare, whatever they are calling it now. They can help you find an apartment complex for subsidized housing, get a food stamp card and get some money you can start on and any other programs that are set up to help you. Don’t worry what other people may think. You are there to get what you and your children need to survive. Ask for programs that give out free food and/or places that help with childcare if you need it to get a job.

Furthermore, there are organizations to help you handle all this. The above government organizations are only a start. Legal Aid is part of what’s called The Thursday Night Bar Association, which means they take cases like this that qualify you to get legal help for custody matters, divorce situations and abuse charges and they may not charge you. If they do, it will be a very low fee. This advice is for others like I was who didn’t have the money to protect my daughter and me through our own nightmare.

If you have the money, you may get better help then we got or if you have someone to turn to, that is a blessing. There are also legal firms who will take your case for a lower fee, charge “pro-bono” (paid when you get paid from the case en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pro_bono) or have payments programs. In any situation, you are going to need legal help. Your ex may be like mine was and get his relations to help him so you’d better be prepared. I know this is scary but not as scary as what you’ve been going through. Remember, God loves you and He is with you.

Whether you go through the Internet or Social Services, find out as many options as you can to help you. There are more than you think! Recently, I searched through the Internet and found out how one can find grants available for housing. (See Chapter Six) If you don’t qualify or are having trouble with Section 8, find out what apartments accept Section 42. This was news to me! This program sets rent rates at your income. Check out HUD.com for more information! No one will tell you these programs are out there. You’ve got to find them. I’ll give you as much information as I can to help you. Advice: Keep copies of everything and keep all your information in one place so you can refer to it quickly if you need to.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord you God goes with you; He will never leave nor forsake you.”

(Deuteronomy 31:16)

Simply put, God knows what you are going through. Trust in His guidance to lead you to a safe place. The time I left my husband was about the scariest time I can remember, so I know what you’re thinking. “You’ve got to be kidding. Run? He knows everything. He’ll find me and that will be it!”

I thought the same thing. I felt that he knew for certain what I was up to. He always played is music too loud, smoked his pot and drank his beer. It felt like he was daring me to say something so he could beat it in to me that he was the boss and, though married, was still free to do as he pleased, even with a baby in the house. My counselor at the Women’s Crisis Center told me that he was a textbook case. Most cases of domestic abuse start with a guy who is so caught up in himself that he is jealous of his own baby because he wants your attention. Ridiculous isn’t it? My ex wanted the attention so much that he fried eggs when I was pregnant (and after) because it nauseated me.

What finally helped me realize even through the beatings was his not-so-subtle ways of planning my daughter’s future. Seeing that I went through some scary situations with drugs, dealing, older gangs of “families” and that when I was 18 he took me to a topless bar and told me to get a job. Now, he went as far as telling is buddy, who had teased him for having a girl not a boy, what his plans for her future were.

“Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted." (Hebrews 2:18, NIV)

“So you had a girl, huh?” His friend teased.

He retaliated with, “Yeah, I’m gonna have a whole bunch of them and start a whore house and make a profit.”

That thought was what hit me so hard and made me make up my mind to leave him. After that was said, I knew he wasn’t going to change. Another thing that bothered me was that he wrote “Dani’s first centerfold” under a picture of the bare bottom picture we all take of our children laying on their tummies.

So, after one of the many times he told me to go to my mother’s house if I didn’t like what he did, I stuffed as much clothes and things into my diaper bag and walked to the bus stop. With her in my arms, I thought for sure that he was following me and that he was going to kill me or take my baby and run so I’d never find her. He had often sworn that he would kill me and probably my family. I wanted to protect them by staying with him but he didn’t hurt them or me sense he wasn’t on his own turf and there where neighbors who could challenge him and call the police.

I don’t remember if I had any money for the bus, everything was too scary to think straight, but I got to the bus stop and waited for it to come. I continually looked over my shoulder to see if he was storming up behind me like he had so many times before. It was the longest afternoon of my life. To relief of my anguish, a friend of my mother’s, Ernestine, pulled up to the bus stop and asked if I needed a ride. She took me to my mother’s house without any objection. She was my guardian angel!

Prayer, girlfriend, is the always the first thing you should do. God understands if you have to pray without speaking or go into a closet to do so. He also knows what you are going through. He has seen what your husband or boyfriend is putting you (and your children) through. He also knows what it feels like. Jesus was beaten and humiliated just as we have been. He also had to go as far as being staked to a cross to fulfill our Father’s Plan of salvation. Human sacrifice was more widespread then we’ve heard. Capital punishment was a daily happening in all areas of the world.

Jesus went through more than you and I have gone through. He could have called ten thousand angels to help Him but Jesus laid His life down for us, willingly, to show us we are loved by God and that He is the only One who could have paid the price for our sins. But, thankfully, the story does not end there and neither does it end for you! Call out to Him, he will help you find a safe place and shelter you. I have met many other women who have gone through what we both have and their stories are about the same. Some have lived but some died when they stayed.

The cycle of abuse will never end if you don’t get help. After an attack, things settle down. First it is a “honeymoon period,” then the tension mounts until there is an explosion for anything he can find wrong. Next, he shows remorse for his actions and the “honeymoon” starts all over again.[5] There are crisis centers, shelters and counselors who have been trained to help you and other in this type of situation. They understand and know how to help you escape the Big Bad Wolf who is on your side of the door.

Remember

“There is no part of your life where it is not immeasurably precious.”

John Piper[1]

When you call Social Services or a counselor, expect to answer tough questions. They have heard worse, believe me. Tell them exactly what’s going on. They will tell you what you can do or where you need to go and who to talk to. If you need to get out of the place you are in, they will provide a place for you. I have been to those shelters. No one in the entire neighborhood knows that the house they have is a safe house. If they did, no one is going to tell your “old man” what it is. If by any chance he finds out, the place is highly protected, locked, monitored, and known by the police. I know you love him but you can’t change him. If he changes, it will be because he gets help. Think of your children and you safety first. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to keep this guy from hurting anyone. The Police are there to protect you. God is with you if you let Him show you the way. They even have a program now to give you a cell phone in case of emergencies only.

Once you’ve established a safe place to live at, you will need to put another plan into action. Finding food, financial help and medical insurance is next. While you can ask friends and family, as I did, you might want to consider getting help on your own so that the feelings of resentment or obligation don’t crop up between you and him or his family. If you haven’t a way to support yourself and your children, go to the Social Services department in your county. They will help you with what programs will help you get what you and your children need. I know you may think this is totally unacceptable or you never wanted to this or wanted charity. But when an emergency comes up like this, you need to supply your children with what they need. Medical costs come with raising children and Medicaid can also pay for child counseling. This doesn’t have to be a long-term situation. This is just for now. They have to be safe and they have to heal too, both inside as well as out.

You may think I don’t know what I’m talking about. I don’t know the people you’re dealing with. Or, you may think that my situation wasn’t like yours. Well, to be truthful, I don’t. My situation involved more than just a man. He had his friends who watched me. And his drug dealing business went farther than I knew. I found out that it went internationally. So I felt I had to plan my escape.

My ex husband kept yelling at me to go to my mother’s and so that’s where I went. I gathered up as much as I could put in a diaper bag, wrapped up my baby girl and walked out of the door. I felt sure he would come bull dowsing after me but I looked like I was just going for a visit. He was blaring the stereo, as we called them then, and entertaining a neighbor in the kitchen. He had finally given me a wedding ring (used an old one from childhood for my wedding) he had got from a neighbor friend whose wife had received it from her first husband. We had been married for a little over a year. I gave it back because I knew he would never have paid them for it and that our marriage was over. I cried as I walked home but that was the first step in saving myself and my child.

As I walked through the neighborhood to the bus stop, I kept glancing over my shoulder to see if he was following. I was surprised that he wasn’t. He had convinced my young mind that he knew everything I was thinking or that was going on in the world. He was six years older so I had believed him. Now was the first time it dawned on me that he really couldn’t know everything. Maybe there was Someone who was watching over me and may even protected me from him.

At the bus stop, every bit of me was shaking when I saw one of my mother’s friends, Ernestine, drive up to me and offered me a lift. Until this day, I don’t remember if I even had money for the bus, but here she was saving my daughter’s life and mine! She took me straight to my mom’s. Only after I stayed there a few days, did my ex-husband find out what I was doing. I had seen the counselor and filed for divorce with Legal Aid. When someone is serving him the papers, I advise you that you and your children to be far away when that happens.

Here is a verse that you can pray to God about to show you how He can help you when you have accepted His beautiful gift of His Son:

“If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on thing above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ Who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.

Therefore, out to death your members which are one the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the sons of disobedience, in which you yourselves once walked when you lived in them. But now you are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth. Do no lie to one another, since you have out off the {old self} with {those} deeds, and have put on the new {self} who is renewed in knowledge according t to the image of Him who created {woman, man}, where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcised nor uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave nor free, but Christ is all in all.”

I wanted to point out a few things in these verses. First, the part about dying, that’s about your old self and now you are a new creation and it is why Christ tells many and you now that “your sins are forgiven you.” That in itself is a reason to rejoice because it doesn’t mean your dreams and hopes are dead, it means your old sins are dead to God now! Another wonderful word in there is “hidden.” This has made me feel safe that I am hidden in Christ and the evil in this world (like my ex was) can’t get me anymore. So, ask Him to save you and your children and He will.

The rest of it is very interesting and I put it in here to simply remind us that no matter who we are, were told we are, we are saved and have become a new creation through the power of the Creator! The Bible I am using here is Nelson’s New King James Study Bible (copyright 1997 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.) which is a Bible I like to study because it explains things below in the verses. I have never heard what a “Scythian” was? Is it someone who comes from a place near Italy? No, it means someone who is an uncultured person who came from the area around the Black Sea. So, this basically includes everybody who believes.

Blow on through the night sky

Winds blow and demand attention of those

Who are curled up in bed to sleep,

Blow and worry, wrinkle other boughs

For you’re only a lullaby to me.

Blow on through the night sky--

As a marauder leaps and bounds--

But I have no fear of thee…

My Lord is Lord and He watches over me.

What’s this? You stop so suddenly.

Have I broken your spell?

Nay, ‘tis but a frightened lull;

Yet I fear thee not, so

“Cry on, cry on,” as they say,

be as the Watcher by the Well.”

No! I say to puzzled unseen eyes,

I will not sway!

My Lord is the Lord

And He is on His way.

So sleep I now,

And lay down this wearied head;

Beat on, beat on against my window

For I shall not stir from my bed.

Gleensk wood,

Ireland

, Sept. 2005

Chapter Two

God’s Love for the Divorced

Will God still love me after I am divorced?

You may doubt God loves you. Many people have felt this way throughout history, even in the Bible. “Why would God love me; I’m far from being a saint?” “Why would He let me go through all this if He loved me? “How can He help me when I have nothing to give Him?”

If I get or am divorced, won’t that break His rules? Would He hate me for getting divorced?

“Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny. Calling His disciples to Him, Jesus said, ‘I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.’” (Mark 12:42)

I have asked these same questions. It took a long time of study, church member support and nights of crying while I prayed, but I learned that even though I’m divorced and definitely not perfect, that He still loves me! He loves you, too! One thing that was hard for me to do was to actually talk to Him admit that I am not perfect. I felt silly and awkward and scared that I’d get hurt like when I said something to my ex but eventually I found myself praying to Him for guidance as well as for protection and provision for my family’s needs. Praying for protection came easily but help and guidance were difficult for me to admit. Prideful as I am, I’ve always tried to do things my way and depend on only myself.

Learning to ask for help and letting God and people around me help me was a long learning process. Eventually I’d let go and let God help. Sometimes you have to pray about it and sit back and watch how He works and go where He instructs you.

So how can He love us when we are not perfect? Again, I’ve studied this pondering question for years! Yet the simple answer is that a truly loving Father is going to love His child no matter what; not because of anything we did but what He sent His Son to do for us so we can come back to Him. He can forgive you no matter what you’ve done.

I’ve talked to people who have studied the whole Bible and have gone through school (called seminary) to learn of its entirety and other books explaining the history and places. It is not full of contradictions, as you may have heard. People who say that, haven’t read the Bible. Throughout the bible, God illustrates that He loves us.

He gave Adam and Eve everything they needed to live on, things like food and clothing. Yet, they (and we) wanted to be more and have more. So, both of them, not just Eve as men like to just blame her, sinned against God.

“You will not surely die,’ the serpent said the woman, ‘for God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be open and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.’ When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took it and ate it. She also gave some to her to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.” (Genesis 3:4-7)

The original sin is pride. Yes, God gave them and us a pretty hard punishment with death, pain and hard work but He provided for them any time and anything they asked for as long as it was in keeping with His love. He did not stop loving them, nor has He stopped loving you.

Another example is in the story of Elijah as his career as a profit was coming to an end. He traveled a long way without food and water until he came to a widow with a son. She was down to her last bit of flour and oil for making bread. She also didn’t have any money. Sound familiar? Elijah knew God had brought him to this woman for a purpose. He was very hungry (and there was a lesson they both had to learn) so he asked her to make him some bread first. She was reluctant at first but felt beyond hope that she and her son where going to die anyway so she said she would make him a cake of unleavened (no yeast) bread. The culture at the time was demanded that one had to care for visitors at all costs. I think they were far from other people and couldn’t get help.

To her surprise, when she went to make the bread, the flour and oil didn’t run out! Likewise, as Jesus fed the multitudes with a little boy’s lunch of bread and fish, miraculously, it didn’t run out until they were all fed. God can provide for you and your family, too! He loved your first so He is going to take care of you as long as you listen to Him and not go into bad situations or listen to bad people telling you lies.

“My sheep listen to My voice; I know them, and they follow Me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them from My hand. I and My Father are One.” (John 10:27)

Do you know what he asks of us? To remember before we get into trouble, to ask Him for help when we are in trouble and to keep away from the same bad situations and men or people that got us into that trouble. He set up the main family idea with Adam and Eve to have a dad and a mom and this is embedded into our inner mind early on. Our children learn it or already have it in their heads that it is normal (whether we like it or not or agree with it or not) and this comes through their lives. Hopefully, we all can grow up in a loving environment or, like me, it can have problems.

“Some Pharisees came and tested Him by asking, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?’ Jesus replied, ‘What did Moses command you?’ They said, ‘Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her on her away.’

‘It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,’ Jesus replied, ‘But at the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.’” (Mark 10:11)

With these set ideas in their little minds, they will expect a lot of the world and of us. I’ve seen little boys grow up angry, bitter and resentful because their mommy let someone into the house and let him spend the night in her bed (that wasn’t that boy or the daddy). These little guys feel helpless but fell a very strong desire to protect their mothers, their homes and their families when there is no big man to do the job. Now, this guy comes into the house, gets too mom’s attention and maybe acts friendly but leaves or is separated from these little guys lives and the same thing all over again. Different man, same feelings—maybe even more intense because they are still hurting from the dad’s leaving.

I can’t tell you everything will be perfect and turn out like the fairy tale. We’ve lived in a nightmare and know that life isn’t perfect. I gave up trying to find love in this worldly way of sleeping before marriage. It never proved to be the right way and it not only hurt me but also my little girl. I also worried about her welfare after she took a picture of one of the guys I was seeing while he was looking at her. Creeped me out so I told him to hit the road! She was nine years old.

This is why I wrote about these verses I’ve included so you will know that the Lord is trying to warn us to stay away from that situation and what happened in the Bible regarding divorce and how the Lord felt betrayed Himself.

There are issues about divorce that the Bible explains and I’d like to make them clear. No, the Bible does not look on the subject lightly but He doesn’t condemn those who are faced with that situation. God knows what divorce is like. When

Israel

betrayed Him, he finally gave up and divorced her but took her back when “she” is repented. I hate to take something out of context so I included text from the New King James Bible that I thought explained what the Bible says about divorce in the first situation it occurs.

Many times, Israel betrayed the Lord.

"By the roadside you sat waiting for lovers,

sat like a nomad in the desert.

You have defiled the land

with your prostitution and wickedness.

3Therefore the showers have been withheld,

and no spring rains have fallen.

Yet you have the brazen look of a prostitute;

you refuse to blush with shame.

4 Have you not just called to me:

‘My Father, my friend from my youth,

5 will you always be angry?

Will your wrath continue forever?’

This is how you talk,

but you do all the evil you can.” [6]

I am giving examples of divorce because it is not the plan God had for us. He wanted us to be happy and married and to have children without living in fear. You may not have followed

Israel

’s example to get to where you are. My plans got all messed up, too! Any person can find himself or herself in our situation regardless of what we have done. True, we have gone our own way instead of God’s, so that is why I’m giving this example.

In the Book of Jeremiah in the Old Testament, the Lord was angry with

Israel

for worshipping other gods and not leading moral lives. God gave Israel and certificate of divorce but forgave the people of

Israel

when they repented (or asked for forgiveness and stopped). What parent would not forgive a child who was truly sorry for acting bad? So God took

Israel

back. This can teach us that divorce (or whatever promises we’ve broken) is not the end for us. That God has a better plan for us and He forgives us whenever we ask and mean it.

Unfaithful Israel

6 During the reign of King Josiah, the Lord said to me, “Have you seen what faithless Israel has done? She has gone up on every high hill and under every spreading tree and has committed adultery there. 7 I thought that after she had done all this she would return to me but she did not, and her unfaithful sister Judah saw it. 8 I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries. Yet I saw that her unfaithful sister Judah had no fear; she also went out and committed adultery. 9 Because Israel’s immorality mattered so little to her, she defiled the land and committed adultery with stone and wood. 10 In spite of all this, her unfaithful sister Judah did not return to me with all her heart, but only in pretense,” declares the Lord.

11 The Lord said to me, “Faithless Israel is more righteous than unfaithful Judah. 12 Go, proclaim this message toward the north:

“‘Return, faithless Israel,’ declares the Lord,

‘I will frown on you no longer,

for I am merciful,’ declares the Lord,

‘I will not be angry forever.

13 Only acknowledge your guilt—

you have rebelled against the Lord your God,

you have scattered your favors to foreign gods

under every spreading tree,

and have not obeyed me,’”

declares the Lord. Jeremiah 3:1-13

Do you hear what He’s saying? I’m not here to wag my finger in your face. I’ve been there and can’t judge you! I’ve been there so I have no right. Now I have realized that the life I was leading went nowhere. All I found was pain in living with drug dealers, prostitution rings, “families” that say they’ve got your back and they run out on you when it’s you that the cops have in the headlights.

So we turn from those ways because He knows that they can hurt us. Why would we continue to do things that are bad for us when God has seen it all, and knows how bad things can get? How truthful can we be to Him and expect Him to bless us if we don’t keep it real to Him in the first place? Remember that God is Holy, meaning separate from sin, so He can’t be around unholy things or situations. IF we aren’t sinning, He can be near us.

When I started attending church again, I found the New International Version more understandable as you might.[7] This is just the first situation the Bible speaks of about divorce.

While God’s plan for us did not include divorce, He has advised against it, nor would I advocate for it, God will forgive you for it and leaving a man who beats you or whatever the situation.

Where does that leave us? I believe it is the statement about a “certificate of divorce” that tells us that God meant for people to stay together as they had made their commitment to God as well as each other. But one must read the whole Bible to understand the will of God for believers to lead happy lives. If the man in your life has hurt you, he betrayed both you and God. You need to keep those kids safe. He will show you how to take care of them and yourself.

Jesus knows how it feels to be brayed someone because His friends cut out on Him in the garden before He was arrested. They took off! I’ve learned to trust Him because He’s been there and He’s helped me out by bringing in people into my life when I’ve needed them the most. It all comes together and looks more real when you’re a mother. Doesn’t it? Those men don’t seem to be standing by your side now. He still is. He’s there for you and your children because He not only gave you those children but He loved you before you even knew of His Name. If you follow what He’s telling you, He’ll not take off on you. Ok, He’s pretty hard when talking to

Israel

but you know what He means.

27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away.

For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell..” (Matthew 5:27-29)

“…for I am your husband. I will choose you—one from a town and two from a clan—and bring you to Zion. 15 Then I will give you shepherds after my own heart, who will lead you with knowledge and understanding.” Jeremiah 3:14-15 Isn’t that cool! Shepherds, I think, are people who help us when we need it. I take lot of comfort in those two verses. I know that He is watching out for me because of this verse and others. It takes faith and really listening after prayer to follow Him. When I do, everything goes right. I’ve gone backwards and I’ve felt pain in my heart that just burned. I kept praying but seeing a man that wasn’t a Christian was not one of those “shepherds after His own heart.” I had to break it off. God is not kidding about taking care of you and keeping you and your kids from making mistakes. You have to work with Him:

Like I said, Jesus knows the feeling of being betrayed as Judas betrayed Him. Likewise, your former spouse betrayed not only you but also God and your children. He was to be faithful to us and treat us with respect.

“Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.

Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.

You will forget the shame of your youth

And remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

For your Maker is your husband—

The Lord Almighty is His name—

The Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;

He is called the God of all the earth.

The Lord will call you back

As if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young,

Only to be rejected,’ says your God.

‘For a brief moment I abandoned you, {because of our sinful lives}

but with deep compassion I will bring you back.

In a surge of anger

I hid my Face from you for a moment,

But with everlasting kindness

I will have compassion on you,’

Says the Lord, your Redeemer.” (Isaiah 53:4-8, emphasis mine)

When you got married, if you got married, you both promised each other and God that you both you love and care for each other and “not be harsh” with each other. God can forgive any sin, even divorce. We are called not to be unevenly yoked to nonbelievers and the Bible says for us to let them go on their way. Read these verses and pray about them. He will show you that truth.

Ephesians 5:2 Says 1 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

“I am the Bread of Life. He who comes to Me will never go hungry, and he who believes in Me will never go thirsty. But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe. All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and whoever comes to Me, I will never drive away, for I have come down from Heaven not to do my will but the will of Him Who sent me. And this is the will of Him Who sent Me that I shall lose none of all that He has given Me, but raise them up at the last day. For My Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in Him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.

Do you hear Him? Listen to Him. He loves you. He will protect you and your little ones. Listen to me about this. God loves you and your children.

Me and Danielle when she was 4.

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock, if any man hears my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and I will sup with him, and he with Me.” (Revelations 3:20)

Jesus said this to Martha before He raised her brother, Lazarus, from the dead. I encourage you to read a Bible; there is so much encouragement that His Word will always bring you. Both the New King James Version and the New International Version (NIV) are written in words you can understand. I felt I couldn’t understand the Bible with all the ‘thee’s and ‘thou’s in it until I went to a church service for Easter Sunday. Then I picked up a NIV and could not put it down!

During this time, we should live as Children of Light as discussed in Ephesians 4:17 and not be grieved with people who do not live a life pleasing to God. He cares for you and will forgive you anything and everything you have done if you believe in Jesus and ask Him for forgiveness and to live in your heart.

Take for example the lesson in John chapter 8 verses 7b-11 because we ain’t the first, girlfriend:

“If any of you are without sin, let him cast the first stone at her.” Again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?’

‘No one, sir,’ she said.

‘Then neither do I condemn you.’ Jesus declared. ‘Go now and leave your life of sin.”

As Real as the Glow of His Moon

The moon shines so radiant,

He shows the Way with His Light.

We are never alone as long as we call His name.

It was on this night He faced our fears

to give us life and make clear that His Way

which is as real as the glow of His moon.

We feel the warmth from His heart

flow through us as His pure Light

for it is the Blood that He shed for us

like the full moon shows us the way

through the dark toward Home.

If we follow the Light of God’s Candle, Jesus,

we can make it through this darkness.

“For God loved the world that He gave His one and only beloved Son, that whoever believes in Him will not die eternally but will live forever with Him. For He did not send His Son into the world to condemn it but to save the world through Him. Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.” (John 3:16-21)

Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved. NO JOKE! “That if you confess with your mouth and in your heart, that is, the word of faith we are proclaiming: That if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. As the Scripture says, ‘Anyone who trusts in Him will never he put to shame,’ (Isaiah 1:9) For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on Him, for, ‘Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.’ (Joel 2:32).

Don’t just take my word for it. If you have questions, He WILL help you find someone to talk to. I have even heard my friend tell me that I need Jesus and later not remember that she said that. Why? Because the Holy Spirit uses people like that. He can guild you to someone who can answer your questions. He can work that way but I’d advise you to go and find a good church that makes you feel welcome. Even if it takes a few of them! The ones who don’t make you feel welcome will be judged by God, believe me.

“Come now, let us argue this out,” says the Lord. “No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can remove it. I can make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you as white as wool.” Isaiah 1:18[8]

There are moments

in our lives

when it seems our troubles

are falling down around us

and we look up and ask, “why?”

It’s in those moments

when we sit quiet, feeling defeated

while the snow falls,

God wraps His arms

around us to keep us warm.

Relationships

Serious topic: New Relationships

I know what you’re thinking. “Thanks but I don’t need your advice on boyfriends or to tell me ‘I told you so,’ like everybody else.” But I’m not going to retell you everything you may be hearing from well-meaning friends, family or relatives. You’ve heard all of that before. What I’d like to do here is explain what I’ve seen, so you can make a good choice for yourself. Many people will tell you, or are telling you, how to run your love life or who or what you should be looking for. They mean well, but they aren’t you or going through what you’re going through.

I know the excitement of an attraction and the warm feeling a smile can give. And I understand how gripping loneliness can feel. No one should tell you that you should spend the rest of your life alone because you’re a single parent. All I want to get across to you is that you need to protect yourself and your children. Don’t settle for just any person. Think how the relationship will affect you children.

Throughout my life I’ve been through one type of abuse or another. It started with my father, some family members and lead to some boyfriends then my ex husband. Each person had some way of hurting me and used it to the extreme to control me. Life went on to living one day at a time and dreading each day as it came. You know what I’m talking about. Sometimes situations can be hard but you don’t have to live like that. When I discuss “boyfriends” I’m saying whom you should choose to be with. So if you’re in a situation that hurts you, you don’t have to stay that way. With any new person, try to make a well thought-out choice. Give yourself a lot of time. One mistake many make is to think they can change this guy or that guy, but that type of thinking isn’t sound and can lead to death. A singing group my daughter likes is Superchick. One of their songs states, “You need that guy like you need a bowling ball dropped on your head, which means not at all. You have too much to give to waste your time on him.”

Danielle’s first steps, 1987

To be very serious though, though not all problems are fixed when each person in a marriage is a Christian but Amos 3:3 states: “Can two walk together, except if they be agreed?” God ordained marriage to be a ‘perfect triangle’ -- God, you, and your spouse. The closer each marriage partner lives to God, the closer each will live to the other. Such closeness is impossible when one spouse does not have a personal relationship with God. This is the reason the Bible says we should not be unequally yoked; read (2 Corinthians 6:14-15).”[9]

I have been on my own, raising my daughter, with the help of family, friends and mostly God since 1987. I have seen too many situations where the woman gets hurt, physically hurt. When I moved into a single parent housing building in the downtown Denver, I heard screaming almost every night. It even echoed through the ally behind our building so it was hard to figure out where it was coming from and I was on the fourth floor. Unless it was coming from the four apartments attached to mine, I couldn’t tell the police where it was coming from. Not only was I stressed out about what I was going through after leaving my husband, dealing with the divorce, I had to hear other women being beaten, stabbed or raped. And I couldn’t do a thing about it but pray.

“Wives submit to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” (Colossians 3:19) God did not want husbands to be harsh in the first place.

That was a very trying period in my life and the stress of it abused me as well. I got sick countless times and lost a lot of weight. Loosing weight may be good but the physical torture was coming from within. I still go through times of hearing my neighbors getting beaten but I don’t sit by and ignore it like some of my neighbors did when I was getting beaten. How I wish someone had come to arrest my ex-husband and help me realize that I didn’t have to live with that fear. So what I want you to do for yourself is to be very picky when you are looking for another love. Sound like I’m telling you how to run your life? I’m telling you that you deserve someone who will love you as you are and not think you are a toy in some warped power-play game! There was nothing you did to “deserve” how they treated you! And you are not just picking a love for yourself now but someone who will be good to you and love you and your kids. Who you pick will be around them and they have been through too much already to have to go through it again.

Sure, you can find love again. If you don’t within a certain time, it does not mean you won’t find love. It just means you are taking time to heal. You deserve that. Don’t beat yourself up with thoughts like “I’m too ugly (bad, fat, thin, tall, short, fill in the blank) to deserve love.” Take all the time you may need to find that special someone who will be good to you. God did not put you here to make you someone’s punching bag! Respect yourself and your children first. God loves you and He IS helping you to get out and away from that kind of person. He also wants you to ask Him to help you find that someone who will be good to you and love you the way He made love to be. A caring for and being kind to one another is how a relationship should be.

Please don’t get me wrong. God has not “let” you go through what you have been through because of something you did or feel or think or are. You set yourself up for that because you chose to be with that person and something went wrong. But it isn’t your fault nor is it God’s. I know people don’t like to think or talk about God but I have come to terms with this sensitive subject. Your relationship with God is what YOU make of it. He’s there waiting for you to talk to Him.

This also applies to whom you choose to be in love with. When you consider someone, do yourself and your children a big favor: love yourself and them enough to know that you both don’t deserve to be hurt or to fear for your lives so place your priorities right and set your limits high. Above all, give the relationship time! Start by being friends for a while. I know the pain of not being comforted physically when things are all crazy right now but if this new person loves you and wants the best for you, give yourself the gift of time. It’s time to figure out your life, your feelings, and your future. Your feelings DO matter!

“But now you are free from the power (master) of sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life.” Romans 6:22 NLT

I have seen so many neighbors go through horrific situations (like being stabbed, raped, beaten, threatened, etc.) because they jumped into something quickly or to feel safe. You may not feel like talking to God right now. But before you decide that you’d be fine without Him and be like everyone else or “stop having a little fun in life,” give yourself time to heal, adjust to feeling strong on your own and let Him show you He does love you. It is not some “cosmic thing” or mumbo-jumbo that you heard once long ago but isn’t a reality. Things have been so scary for you. Just give Him a chance. Relying on people can always go wrong and they can let you down. God works in His time. Some times that can take a week or a month, or sometimes He can bless your socks off in a blink of an eye! Yes, laugh if you want to. No one will yell at you now. No one has a right to tell you that you can’t laugh. I’ve heard those words. Those words were to shut you up tight so you wouldn’t feel joy in your life because it wasn’t what that person felt was of importance to him. Believe me; I’ve been slapped in the face repeatedly while I was on the toilet just for saying a whisper!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you, not to harm you but to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

What I am saying about God is He knows what has happened and what is happening and what will happen. He wants you to just trust Him. Praying can feel weird. I know it can. Talking out loud feels strange. Go into your bathroom if you want to or somewhere where you won’t be disturbed. You don’t have to say your prayer out loud. He’ll hear you anyway. He hasn’t been told to “shut up, I can’t hear the T.V!” He hasn’t been slapped in the face after saying something that upset that other person and He doesn’t want you to fear saying things out loud anymore. But He will hear you even if you whisper or say a prayer to Him in your thoughts. He wants to give you time to heal.

This topic is sensitive and I’ve tried to speak in general terms for those of you who may be going through this horrible time with someone. I hope this book can help you, too, however, I am identifying with those who have been what I’ve been through. So forgive me if I seem to neglect you. Your feelings are important and what you’ve been through is just as hard. Under this topic, you can include the abusive person. I have read and witnessed situations like yours and have been through abusive situations with a family member. The people may seem different but the characteristics are all the same and are just as serious. Please find help because you don’t deserve to live in fear.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are -- yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Hebrews 4:15-16)

You might be wondering, “What in the world does this mean?” It is simple: doing what God says isn’t that hard and His Word makes sense if you read it and do what it says. He says to come to Him in prayer and He will take on your problems. By “taking on {His} yoke,” you are simply believing in Him.

“If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you.” (John 15:7)

I know how you might feel when you hear words that Christians use when explaining God and a relationship with Him. I felt silly when I first started praying to Him but that will pass as you feel He is not a threat as others have been.

Father God,

As we approach this season of Thanksgiving, we realize how much we truly have to be thankful for. Our country, even with its problems is still the greatest in the world.

The natural beauty You have provided for us, abundant all around us as we gaze at the moon, stars, sky, and changing colors of the trees is magnificent.

We thank You for caring for us, even when we may not show that we care for You or for others.

We thank You for things we take for granted; things much of the rest of the world consider to be luxuries: electricity, running water, enough to eat, enough to wear, and shelter.

Most of all, Lord, we thank You for sending Your Son to die for us. We thank you for the gift of prayer and we pray for pray for those who are living in fear of their partners who may allow themselves to be found by God’s divine love. We are faced with terrible times. There are so many that do not know the goodness of the Lord. Please protect those who have come to Christ that they will not be mislead or misguided by false prophets or tempters who teach against You. Please help keep our own mistakes from causing others to fall. Please help guide us in Your way though this storm of time. We will continue to pray for blessings for each other and our children the children of those who need You to see Your Glory. In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen

My Pastor always said to PUSH. (Pray Until Something Happens). Lets all PUSH not just for ourselves, or family and friends, but also for all women who are going through what we are going through. God Bless everyone that will PUSH with me.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

(John 16:33)

I Believe

I believe in the promise behind a rainbow,

And the message behind a dream;

The hope within a candle

And in a special Friend, unseen.

Sheryl L. Knapp, May, 2000

Danielle’s first birthday

“Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted." (Hebrews 2:18, NIV)

My own therapy at Women’s Crisis Center taught me that it was helpful to me to clarify a higher standard of person we should seek when looking for a marriage partner.

“And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, for it is by Grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:1-10)

One night, he was holding my baby and beating my head into the couch. A thousand needles felt like they were going my head after I touched the spot of my scalp where he had pulled on my hair. During one of his drunken bouts, he had taken my girl, then a few weeks old, out of her crib and left when I was on the phone. I didn’t know where she was and I panicked. I looked out the front door and when I looked out the back, I noticed he was sleeping on the steep staircase that led to the apartment below with her in his arms. I stepped lightly down the stairs until I was close to him and I sat down. He opened his eyes and looked at me. I whispered to him and talked softly to him. He said he was saying goodbye to his daughter. After a little while, I managed to convince him to hand me the baby and he did. This was one of the times he didn’t remember something he had done. Another was when I took a picture of him when he was happy. He didn’t remember the picture.

God had made a beautiful day with a clear blue sky and a light breeze the day I left him. And God was with me and kept us safe. I would never want a couple to divorce or anyone to go through this situation but it does happen and God did not promise that our lives would be free of pain, but He will be there to help you through it, whatever it is and no matter where your heart is, He will meet you and stay with you. Just ask Him. Read the following verses for inspiration.

“In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore, do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness (or to wicked people) but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to Him as instruments of righteousness.[10] For sin shall not be your master because you are not under law, but under grace.” Romans 6:13-14 (Then we are not someone else’s slave but safe with God’s protection.)

Ah, so that means you ARE a princess. Yes, I mean it, a princess!

“What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in Heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost.” Says the Lord Jesus (Matthew 18:10).

A Woman’s Tears

A child cries

When it’s hurt

Or needs something

To fulfill an empty space.

A woman’s tears

Are no different.

They flow in streams

And eddy around

Hurts and into empty spaces.

Seek and you will find

They have no end.

They flow for music

Which has not been played

And for the horizon which does.

The hand may lift the chin

But the stream runth over

With no break in the ice.

Jesus forgives woman, I took this picture of a window in St. Patrick’s Cathedral, Dublin, Ireland, 2005

“Come to me, all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

(Matthew 11:28-30)

Chapter Four

Money & Finance

“Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown You and say: ‘Who is the Lord?’ Nor may I become poor and steal and so dishonor the name of my God.” (Proverbs 30:8 & 9)

Right now, you are taking care of yourself and your children. After finding a place to stay, money and food should be set up for your survival. Open a bank account in your name where you are the only one to access your account. Bankers have heard this before and have no right to judge you. You might not even have to talk about your situation. If they make you uncomfortable, go to a different bank! By law, the bank cannot give your money away without your prior written permission. If you are not sure what the bank would do if your spouse tries to get your money, ask them what their policy is for people who are going through a divorce. They have heard it before and they just might not bring anything into the conversation regarding the divorce or split up.

By now, you may have learned all about money and the problems that come with it. What is the next step? That depends on your situation. At this time you need to think about where you and your children will live? What resources can you count on? Please find only legal situations here! The kids are at stake! Where are you going to get money, food, housing and a bank if you don’t already have one? I had to turn to Social Services for food stamps (a Quest Card) and housing. If you are in a safe house, that’s fine. You will need to find another place to live soon.

Your first steps are to notify all banks, credit card companies and other financial institutions that you and your spouse have had and tell them you want your name removed from that account. Tell them you’re getting divorced. After you can get a Separation Agreement, supply them or creditors with a copy of the Divorce papers or whatever legal papers you have that show you two have gone your separate ways if they state you do not have to pay that credit. This can be a scary time, as partners going through a separation tend to hurt each other so be careful how you ex can hurt you financially. Set up your own accounts and let that company know you are the soul person on the account. There are no laws that say your ex can get your money or use your credit. Tell your attorney of all your plans and any actions against you by your ex.

Finally, make a budget or “Plan of Action,” as I call it, for your income and expenses. In this area, I have to turn for advice from experts. If you need to take a class or sit down with an expert, someone you trust. I always need to keep a spreadsheet to calculate my expenses. According the Larry Burkett, The Financial Guide For The Single Parent, 1997 Moody Bible Institute, c/o MLM, Chicago, IL 60610

The Financial Guide for The Single Parent, steps to making a working budget or “plan” are:

1. Compare your spending levels by using a form to fill in your gross income, tithe (money you donate to the church) and taxes to get your “spendable” income. I use a spreadsheet program.

2. Fill in your fixed expenses, for example: mortgage or rent (which is first always), telephone, garbage pickup, home/renter’s insurance, child care (if the same amount is paid every month, including summer) auto loan payment, auto insurance. Saving even a little each time you get money can make a big difference when an emergency comes up. I never planned for them and had to beg for help. You would have a better time of it if you save. Just know that emergencies will always happen as long as we are living.

3. Now include all your variable expenses: food, outstanding debts, utilities (electric, heat, etc.), insurance (life, health) clothing, medical/dental, savings, gas for your vehicle, entertainment/recreation (including dining out), and miscellaneous.

4. Analyze if you have any problems or deficits (mine is overspending) and determine where you can make cuts to put your money into the important stuff, like gas and food. If it seems like you can’t do that, figure out where you can change things or use coupons and make things you made need. Also check out the Freebies online or thrift shops for clothes or things.

5. If you’re having trouble figuring all this out (like debts) go to an organization like Consumer Credit Counseling Services or a Christian organization. Dave Ramsey has a Biblical perspective on personal finances and has expert advice. Just don’t pay for these services and make sure they don’t include their “pay” in a payment schedule. You could probably check out his book through the library. And always pray to God about it. I’ve written Him letters on what we need and for help on debts. He always answers prayer, just keep your eyes open for what His help could be, check it out with your pastor or with a Christian you can trust. My biggest problem is balancing a checkbook. Don’t let that discourage you! Record keeping helps out in many ways, like with caseworkers and court! With hand made records, though, you have to have them notarized, like at the bank. That usually doesn’t cost anything.

6. Find all your cashed checks and statements. This is a must with some housing authorities. I have kept files in according files that you can get from Wal-Mart and a box.

“A heart of peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” (Proverbs 14:30)

Find a good bank or credit union and see if they have anyone who can talk to you about things. See if you can get a line of credit for a low amount to help sometimes, just when you need gas or milk when you can’t find it anywhere else. This has saved me a great deal. Also, see if they have a system set up that can transfer money from a savings account to checking if you don’t remember how much you have and might have written a check over the amount so you don’t get charged. This sucks up money faster than anything. I know, one year I checked out how much I spent in bounced check charges and it was over $600! Write down everything!

These money matters aren’t as unheard of as you might think. An article by Angela Bronner, AOL Black Voices, states: “People will give you their entire sexual history before they'll give you their credit scores,” notes Dwight Raiford, a MetLife financial planner based in the New York City area. Raiford, who offers “Financial Wedding Showers” to couples before marriage, meets with twosomes to determine their thoughts on money, how they manage money and whether they're “savers” or “spenders.”[11]

Bronner explains: “experts agree that couples have to talk about money issues including debt, their spending habits and their financial goals. They also note that most money problems are not necessarily about money, but fear and control. It's answers to questions like these that most experts say can make or break a relationship. And often times, couples do not take the time to discuss matters of finance during the dating phase, or even before marriage, even though most of us have heard that the number one thing couples fight over is money. Fact is, folks aren't so open with their money, even if they're regularly swapping bodily fluids or sharing a bed with someone.”

I will explain more about employment and the legal problems you can face in different chapters of this book.

I’ve lived without: heat, electricity, water and very little food. The one thing I will not live without is a place to live. I’ve gone through that, too. I groan over the memories of being without a vehicle because I was too afraid to get my driver’s license. They have said, “necessity is the mother of invention,” so learn to improvise. What ways can you think of to save money? Hey, I’ve even washed my clothes in a bathtub! And I have lived without hot water or electricity and heat. Make those your first priorities and you will have the inner-peace you want.

How do you keep the kids happy?

During the tough times in out nation’s history, mothers would think of clever ways to bring the family together to share a project, make something to feed or entertain the family and keep hope alive while creating traditions to cherish. When my daughter was so bullied and beat up in school because of her disabilities, I pulled her out and we contacted the school district to home school. To do this, I had to some up with things to teach her.

I collected material from libraries, home-schooling friends and advice from experts. I found it both challenging and fun. My daughter learned more from the one and a half years of one-on-one training then she did during class at school!

Here I’ve given you some ideas to make family time fun and educational.

“I’m bored!” This statement is something every parent has dreaded from every age group of children throughout history. Entertaining children is not only something we do because we love our children and like to see them happy, it is also away to teach them how to survive.

Our children suffer more than others in our country. Poverty levels rise and lead our kids into depression, gang violence, prostitution and drugs. We need to prepare our children against the temptation, even in the upper-class or middle class, from doing drugs, getting pregnant early in life or stealing money, even buying weapons and killing children in school. You may know as I do what happens at kids’ parties while the parents are away. I’ve been to parties where kids are drinking the parents’ alcohol and doing their drugs. My ex was the kind that got the drugs and alcohol for the teenagers with me!

Well, be that as it may, we have to take what matters into our own hands and train our kids right. The Bible says “train a child up in the way he should go and he will not part from it.”

To do this takes ingenuity because we may not have the cash to keep them entertained, off the streets and out of trouble. A friend of mine barrowed the money to get her son into karate lessons because she knew it would teach him discipline, respect, honor and how to protect himself from the gangs in public schools. She started him early, about age six or seven. This may be a good idea for your child and you can check out scholarships programs at a local recreation center or at school. Make sure you meet and agree with the instructor to save you and your child from a lot of arguments and heartache.

Money saving ideas: ok, Now Let The Fun Can Begin!

One of my favorite hobbies is studying the Victorian period. Families in the time period lived in close quarters and had no electronic devices to entertain themselves. Because of this, they would pass the time making crafts from scrapes of advertisements, home-grown flowers, shells from the summer they went to the beach, and even their own hair they’d make into jewelry! They did anything to make something clever and beautiful. This same idea was viewed by many cultures to teach and entertain youngsters.

These crafts I’ve included can be made and used throughout the year and can be given as gifts—all at low cost. Use these ideas to create something the family can do together and treasure for a lifetime and done again and again as a new family tradition! Look for examples of these ideas under “Gift Ideas” in this chapter. You can find these ideas and more at your local library.

Ideas I have found:

Homemade Food & Stuff for kids!

Projects, Gifts, & Decoration

Family fun outings like Museums

Holiday ideas, Christmas help

Postcards from old cards & Homemade wrapping paper

Thrift stores aren’t for amateurs!

New clothes from old ones or sheets

Freebies

Share Program, Food Subsidies, & Food Banks

In Colorado, we have a food subsidy program called Colorado Shares, which provides food to families who need a little bit of extra help. A family may sign up and work for food by just volunteering a few hours per month and getting some free food. Find out if your state has a food co-op program.

Homemade Food

To save money, I’ve learned to make my own jam; jellies, breads and cookies, and they are all freezable! If you don’t want the hassle or don’t have the time, find some inexpensive mixes and freeze the dough. Making food together not only teaches your children the value of money and nutrition, but also can be a valuable time spent having fun!

Projects, Gifts, & Decoration

Like making food together, children can learn valuable lessons from making crafts together. Fun ideas can be found at the local library. It is a good place to expand the imaginations and can get you out of the house on hot days if you don’t have an air conditioner! (I’ve been there, done that!)

Museums

The Denver Art Museum has free admission on Saturdays and be a great place for kids to get ahead in not only art history but history, geography and social studies. Another great place is the Littleton History Museum, which is what is called a “living museum.” These places are set up to look and work like homes or farms from a time in history to help people see and feel what life was like a long time ago. Check out your local city hall or courthouse (or newspaper) to see if you have a living museum nearby. By seeing these places, children can get an appreciation for the life they have now, instead of having to do the chores from a by-gone era! Most can be free, have free days or charge a small fee. They definitely worth the trip! And we mustn’t forget the local park. You can come up with a game or a scavenger hunt to make it interesting. Winner gets the biggest piece of dessert!

Holiday ideas & Christmas help

The holidays can be a most stressful time for a single parent who doesn’t know how Santa is going to be able to “visit” when the bills have to be paid. I have learned of many programs that help provide presents and food when things are tight. Some food banks can offer such a program or the Salvation Army can help. Also, check with the County Department or local police force.

There are things you can do to help teach your little ones the meaning of sharing and the value of homemade gifts to give or get. Children are blessed with the gift of imagination and to create things out of almost nothing. Some ideas you can do to carve the cost out of doing to all is to see what is the most important ideas and traditions you want to pass along to them. Do you want to teach the value of sharing the message of Christ and sharing the love the season brings? Cutting postcards from old cards can be one way. Grandparents love anything your children can give them. Teachers can help give ideas if you are in short supply of craft materials. Remember using empty toilet paper rolls for things in school? At home, we used to make play dough out of salt, flour, water and food coloring!

Homemade wrapping paper is easy with plain brown paper, an apple (or potato to cut into a shape) to make a stamp and some finger paint. They can also just use crayons and paper and their imaginations. This can also apply to tree or table decorations. It doesn’t always have to come from a store to be special.

Gifts Ideas:

1. Hand-milled soap by using old soap, herbs or dried flowers, water and a double-boiler (on low). Grate up soap first.

2. Pom-poms from yarn—great as gift decorations!

3. Shell boxes made by using inexpensive plain boxes at craft store or hobby sections, shells and glue.

4. Snow globes from baby food jars, glue gun and glue, glitter and miniatures.

5. Swedish wooden spoons, painted wooden spoons.

6. Quilted story blocks by the more experienced.

7. Knitting or loop pot holders from looms, great decorations.

8. Family scrapbooks or photo collages.

9. Fabric flowers in dolly “tussie-mussies” (bouquets). Use twist ties from bread in the middle of round pieces of fabric.

10. Candy or “mini-egg” trees for Valentine’s Day, Easter or whatever.

11. Paper snowflakes.

12. Paper shamrock pinwheels or Independence Day pinwheels out of a square piece of paper, diagonally cut halfway down each corner and fold and pin to a straw.

13. Homemade cards for Valentines or whenever.

14. Celebrate Easter with coconut nests with candy bird eggs and Empty Tomb buns made from pop-out can biscuit or cookie dough folded around a marshmallow and baked until it disappears.

15. Candied apples (I like chocolate) or caramel apples.

16. May Day daisy crowns.

17. Ice Cream Day sundae parties.

18. Thanksgiving centerpieces.

19. Popcorn chains and paper chains for decoration.

20. Make different ethnic foods to celebrate diversity.

21. Sugar cookies are great for learning the alphabet![12]

Thrift stores aren’t for amateurs!

I have an aunt who lives in a beautiful home and who saves money by going to garage sales. Everybody thinks she is rich! I like to go bargain hunting in thrift stores or used clothing “consignment” shops. They are shops, which will sell used clothing, shoes or accessories that are in good condition and spilt the profits with the seller. (Another good idea for making money!) I have found some really nice things.

Make new clothes from old ones or sheets.

My mom made a dress for a play at my daughter’s school from a pink flat sheet. I used to cut off her pants and sew on lace to shorts for summer when she wore out the knees.

Always be on the lookout for freebies!

I find many online from sites that advertise free samples or coupons. It saves money and you can try some new things. It’s always a good idea to save money on baby items like diapers and wipes. The only thing you have to watch is the extra email or junk snail mail that can come from giving out your address. I strongly recommend a post office box. It does cost a bit each year to have a small one and the post office has trash bins in the building. Some online carriers have spam controls to help cut down on unwanted email. Oh, and don’t give out important personal information!

Carpet stores for sample mats. When I was home schooling my daughter, we learned of an art project from our friends at church that made doormats and floor mats to paint designs on with fabric paint from samples of carpet from carpet stores. You may find a carpet store, which will give you old sample mats they may be throwing out anyway. You can also ask to purchase them for 50 cents if they seem stubborn. I learned this at my church from the program Mothers of PreShoolers, or MOPS. Check out this program at your church (or it can help you check out one) and what crafts you can find. The program is excellent and a way for you to get out of the house and provides babysitting at the church for a small fee or there are scholarships.

Medicine samples can be found at the local pharmacy for headache medicine and cold remedies for kids, just keep an eye out! Ask your primary care physician if he or she has any for the medicine they are prescribing. At stores, always look for tempered packages or sneaky schemes from websites.

You can go to your local library to get online. One of the latest websites is Craigslist.com. Look under your city then under the title “shopping,” there is a link to free or almost free stuff like furniture, baby clothes, even electronics!

I’ve recently found a great author, Joey Green[13], who writes interesting books about how everyday brand-name products can be used for more than what they were intended for, including ideas for science experiments to teach the kids! He has written books titled: “Paint Your House With Powdered Milk,” “Potato Radio, Dizzy Dice and More Wacky, Weird Experiments from the Mad Scientist,” (a sequel to his “The Mad Scientist Handbook”), and “Wash Your Hair With Whipped Cream.” Fun books with interesting ideas and tested ideas that work! Check it out! www.wackyuses.com

Money & Finances.

1) Believe the Lord will provide.

2) Emergency funds in extreme situations, temporary and permanent. Dave Ramsey recommends at least $500 in a savings account for the single parent. www.daveramsey.com

3) How to get by on your own.

Internet Resources:

1. Employment is a time-honored tradition The Basics—10 great strategies to save money http://www.annointed.net/Community/quiet-place-fun-place/37745-10-great-strategies-save-money.html

2. Child Support is the law-- Child Support Is Kids’ Right en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_support

3. Welfare, work, grants, budgeting

4. Your Credit Report

a. www.ftc.gov/bcp/edu/microsites/freereports/index.shtml

5. Your Rights Under the Fair Credit Reporting Act

a. www.ftc.gov/bcp/edu/pubs/consumer/credit/cre35.pdf

6. Your Credit Billing and Electronic Fund Transfer Statements

a. www.ftc.gov/bcp/edu/pubs/consumer/credit/cre01.shtm

7. Your Rights Under the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act

a. ptmoney.com/do-you-know-your-rights-under-the-fair-debt-collection-practices-act

8. Solving Your Credit Problems-- www.daveramsey.com

9. Five Loans That Spell Danger

“I am the Light of the world. Whoever follows Me shall never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” (John 8:12)

Pawn Shop Loans

Title Loans

High LTV Home Equity Loans

Advance-fee Loans

Payday Loans = Costly Cash

“Families who play together, stay together.” This is a famous quote from an unknown source.

It’s All in Your Plan

In those few moments,

after I’ve cried my tears

and You’ve waited until

my mind is silent,

You show me

it’s not all on my shoulders;

and all’s not lost.

Children will learn,

women will be saved,

men will keep their promises,

and the beauty of Your earth

will live another day.

Many colors will come together

to make a rainbow

because it’s all in

Your very capable Hands.

We can help plant a few seeds and water

a little but You’ll reap the harvest.

It’s all in Your plan.

Chapter Five

Legal Matters

“With God, all things are possible.” (Mark 10:27)

This experience is never easy. After sixteen years, with little or no child support, I never thought that he would come back. My worst nightmares came into being because my ex literally showed up on front my doorstep. On a Sunday morning in 2003, my friend Diane called me up at 10:30 a.m. to tell me that her ten-year old daughter was just confronted by a manipulating stranger. He was a heavy-set, middle-aged man claiming to be my daughter’s father. He soon found out about where we lived, what automobile I drove and my home phone number. I immediately called the police.

Shortly afterwards, the phone rang and I could see on the caller ID that it was from local a hotel near my home. I did not answer. It rang four times then stopped, and then it started again and rang four times then stopped. Again, I didn’t answer. As soon as the policewoman arrived, I found a menacing message on my voice mail. She listened to it and took down my report. She then called the station to have his name run through the system for a criminal background check, and sure enough they found that he had two Restraining Orders against him. When we were done talking, I thanked her and walked her down the stairs and out my front door only to find a small note stuck to my windshield. It said he had a check for $10,000 waiting just for me. Yeah, Right! Do you think I believed that? Not a chance!

A few days later I received some satanic letters from his lawyer stating that I was in Contempt of Court for not giving him my address and phone number and for not keeping him current on my life. Well, how on earth could I do any of those things when I wasn’t even sure where he lived, whom he was with and what kind of man he’d become. With my daughter’s and my best interest at heart, and out of shear fear, I immediately decided to file for a Temporary Restraining Order, because after all that I went through with him, how could I ever trust him?

In five years before his "invasion," the recent letters he had sent he stated being involved in the “Mexican Mafia” and had dealings with “Columbians.” This I assumed was some other sort of illegal activity as he used to do while we were still married. Now, how am I supposed to trust a man who admits to more illegal activity? What he said in the final months of our marriage (shortly after my daughter's birth) brought the horrible knowledge of what sort of man I had married. He had said he was going to have a “whole bunch of girls to start a whorehouse and make a profit.” That was when I knew he wouldn’t change and I decided to leave him. Thankfully, my daughter was saved from that life. The whole experience scared me terribly and it scared my daughter as well.

On the day we finally went to trial, I really didn’t think he would show up for court after two failed attempts had taken place due to his absence. My blood froze inside of me when I saw him standing at a window as we entered the courthouse. My daughter, who had just turned 17, held my hand tightly as we prayed to God for support and protection. I had also recently asked the church to send someone with me for the day of the trial and someone did: Jeannie Roth was my very supportive friend who also helped me to get through this painful trial. Most important of all, I could feel my Savior’s presence right there with me, leading me on, standing beside me, and comforting me.

As the judge listened to our testimonies, I could sense that God was at work in his mind. Not only did the judge see through my ex husband’s lies and claims, he also granted my request for a Permanent Restraining Order. My ex was no longer allowed to come within one hundred of me, or my daughter’s High School. My daughter and I both breathed a sigh of relief. Even though my ex still owes us over $50,000, God heard and answered my prayers. I don’t expect that money ever but He gave me the strength and support I needed to face my enemies as He had also done countless times in the Bible. He kept us safe and gave us strength. God will always be there for you when you need Him and He will always answer your prayers! Just keep in mind that God will only answer them in the way that He knows will be the best. Although things may not go the way that you expected, He will “never leave or forsake you.” (Hebrews 13-5b)

“O Lord my God, I take refuge in You; save and deliver me from all who pursue me, to they will tear me like a lion and rip me to pieces with no one to rescue me.” (Psalm 7)

Custody

Joint custody is where both parents share the responsibility and control the decision-making. Even in a never-married couple, the primary care of the children must be determined because it might go the parents, guardians or the state. The primary caregiver will be entrusted with the day-to-day welfare of the children. In a statement from A Comprehensive Guide to Parenting On Your Own by Linda Hunter[14], the author makes this process clear and explains answers to other questions about this difficult situation. She goes on to say that this is very hard for those who go through this with an abusive ex-spouse.

In court, abuse is a very hard “accusation” to fight. The opposing attorney will make every effort to win his or her case. Your feelings and the care and well being of the children will mean nothing to them. They are an extension of the ex. That’s all. Never trust them. Lawyers are funny that way. I have been there to see both attorneys talk like old friends before battling it out in a courtroom. It is not their lives that are at stake. You have only to trust God and follow His lead. Pray to ask Him to show you the right lawyer. Remember, you can call Legal Aid for help. You can only trust your lawyer then and tell him or her everything. Don’t give them original documents to keep. Ask them to make a copy of the paperwork you give them. This will help you later if you go to another lawyer. And ask for full custody, you will not get child support if you don’t.

Hunter goes on to state in her book that making a case against the abusive parent is hard and you have to have solid evidence. However, she says you can forgo child support and terminate a parent’s rights if that parent hasn’t been in touch for a certain period of time. In Virginia, this happens automatically. Sometimes, not getting the child support can be difficult but worth it if you don’t want that parent to harm you or your children. It might be better not to have that person in your children’s lives because of the bad influence he or she gives. According to Hunter, your most important motive should be your children

Hunter read Bib verses each day in the early years of her single parenthood and she loved 1 Chronicles 28:10, “The Lord has chosen you to build a house for a sanctuary. Be strong and do it.” She also brings up the problem of sexual molestation. You will need solid evidence to prove anything so if you discover evidence of foul play, get the courts to order supervised visitation. Have the child checked be a pediatrician and a psychologist to see if your suspicions are correct. It is the same to charge the other parent with the use of illegal drugs. These are grounds for parental rights termination.

We live in scary times and our hearts our very fragile right now. If you’re like me, your children are your life and heart. I understand how scary it is to think of the very real possibility of child abduction. I was afraid of that because my ex told me constantly that he’d take my little girl and I’d never see her again. This is why I did not pursue child support. But they are ways to help you to keep your children safe if you suspect this. Make every effort to protect your children! There are safer ways your ex can visit with your children with supervised visitation. Or there are ways, if you are really worried to fight to terminate their rights. Whatever you choose, in your child best interest, make them safe.

Unfortunately, children are abducted by the noncustodial parent to scare the custodial parent into relenting on child support or other legal issues. If you are presently trying to get money from your ex, it is possible that this tragedy could occur. What can you do? Before anything happens:

1. Find out if he has recently cut any ties—quit his job or sold his house.

2. Have a police officer warn him about the consequences of kidnapping.

3. Contact your child’s school or day care telling them never to release your [child] to [the] dad.

4. Be sure a copy of the custody decree is on file in your ex-husband’s county [and at your children’s school].

5. Be wise and keep your eyes and ears open.

6. Always talk to your kids. Ask them if they’ve seen their dad (his friends) or if anything strange or out of place seems to keep happening while they are at school or while walking home or at their friends house.

If your ex is in another country, make sure that the divorce decree/custody states that the child cannot leave the country and be sure a copy of this decree is registered with the Office of Passport Services in Washington, D.C. Also prepare your child to take good safety precautions: name, phone number, address; who to talk to; when to run from danger and, so on. Some parents get 800 numbers, pagers, cell phones so they can be reached by their children at all times. You can never play it too safe when it comes to international exchanges in custody.

A visitation agreement may help ease tension between you and your ex. If things aren’t so bad, try to make things best for the children by keeping things light between you.

Child Support

Unless one of the individuals has had his or her parental rights terminated, all minor children are entitled by law to receive financial support from both parents. The incomes of the parents, cost of living in that state, and the needs of the child are the bases that determine the child support amount to be paid. In 1992, President George Bush signed a bill making it a federal crime for a non-custodial parent to move out of state to avoid paying child support.

The Child Support Enforcement Amendment of 1984, states were required to establish, by 1987, guidelines to be followed in the calculation of child support. This doesn’t mean there aren’t problems. I never received anything while my daughter was small. I think that if there was more enforcement, there wouldn’t be so much needed for welfare, but that’s just my opinion.

Sometimes, it can be a matter of finding the parent who is hiding from paying child support. This can be like finding a needle in a haystack because people might not talk to you. If you want to pursue this, Hunter suggests to learn where he is by talking to someone who works with him or his family, placement offices of schools he attended, credit unions, professional affiliations, voter registration lists, and so on. You can also try contacting the State Parent Locator Services (SPLS). For searching out of state, get in touch with the Federal Parent Locator Service (FPLS). These organizations only go after child support, not alimony or other expenses. Call your local clerk of courts office to get telephone numbers for these services.

If he owes more than $750, the IRS can go after him with its collection services just as it does with back taxes so you can call the Internal Revenue Services. Give them your ex-husband’s social security number if you know it. I don’t know if they will help because of confidentiality reasons.

The laws on child support are supposed to apply in all states in the

U.S.

because they all have adopted the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Act (UCCJA). This means two states can avoid conflicting rulings on the same issue. If some kind of litigation is pending in your state, have your attorney contact the state and county in which your [ex-] husband resides. Be aware, however, that only about one quarter of unpaid child support is successfully collected from out of state.

Hunter goes on to explain that each state has some kind of guideline for the amount of child support to be paid by each parent. Though this amount is based on incomes of both parents, cost of living, and the needs of the children. You can make a case for needing more if you do some research and make a list of what it costs you to raise your child. Include education, food, clothing, housing, social, recreational, and any special needs child may have. You can include the cost of baseball camps, girl scouts, and special-needs children need equipment or extra education.

If your ex is challenging you with saying he will quit his job so he wouldn’t have to pay child support, you can request a judgment with the local IV-D agency to attach his federal and state income tax refunds for nonpayment of child support. If he were still working, you could request a wage withholding order. However, if he is like my ex, he makes money under that table (like my ex did for years) that he doesn’t report to the IRS, request your local IV-D can do a credit check and find out what his assets are. If he has no wages to collect, the can go after his house, car, or other assets. And if he is purposely hiding assets, like putting things into his mother’s or girlfriend’s name, you can get him for fraud.

I mentioned many of the above issues in court for getting a permanent restraining order when my ex showed up after sixteen years and his attorney and him didn’t have much to stand on!

Notes:

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“I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11:25, 26)

Strength in Unity

Resource Hotlines:

Battered Women’s Justice Project 800-903-0111

Bureau of Indian Affairs County Child Abuse Hotline 800-633-5155

ChildHelp

USA

National Hotline 800-4-A-CHILD (800-422-4453)

TDD 800-2-A-CHILD (800-222-4453)

Juvenile Justice Clearinghouse 800-851-3420

National Center for Missing and Exploited Children 800-843-5678

TDD 800-826-7653

National Center for Victims of Crime 800-FYI-CALL (800-394-3255)

National Children’s Alliance 800-239-9950

National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information 800-729-6686

Español 877-767-8432

TDD Hotline 800-487-4889

Hearing Impaired 800-735-2258

National Crime Prevention Council 800-NCPC-911 (800-637-3911)

National Criminal Justice Reference Service 800-851-3420

National Domestic Violence HOTLINE 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233)

TTY HOTLINE 800-787-3224

National Organization for Victim Assistance 800-TRY-NOVA (800-879-6682)

National Organization for Parents of Murdered Children, Inc. 888-818-POMA (888-818-7663)

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence 800-537-2238

TTY HOTLINE 800-537-2238

National Sexual Violence Resource Center 877-739-3895

Office for Violence of Crime Resource Center 800-851-3420

TTY 877-712-9279

Office for Victims of Crime Training and

Technical Assistance Center 866-683-8823

TTY 866-682-8880

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network 800-656-4673

Resource Center on Domestic Violence, Child

Protection and Custody 800-527-3223

Chapter Six

Employment

“All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.” Proverbs 14:23

Been there, done that. Yes, you are going through a hard time and you can get help from Social Services but you also have to start thinking of the future. If you don’t have a job right now, you can always be looking while you are raising your children. This has to do not only with providing for your family (you can’t always rely on child support) but also on your self-esteem. Who you are makes a difference in how you feel about yourself and how your children look at you. If they don’t have a father to look up to, they can look up to you!

God fashioned the family in many ways but through the Bible, we can see that He had a plan for the family to have the father as the head of it. The world will tell you that it doesn’t matter who is he head of the family but through a child’s eyes, the father was to help develop who the child perceives as his/her identity. Like it or not, our world has formed society to believing we are who are parents are. That had a good ring to it in God’s plan. His plan was perfect. Then mankind messed it up.

“He who has been stealing must steal no longer (you haven’t been stealing but should earn a living to earn respect for yourself as a child of God), but must work, doing something useful with his hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.” (Ephesians 4:28).

Well, be that as it may, a child will boast who his/her parent is or what job that parent has. Also important to all this is how you can start feeling better about whom you are by finding something you like to do and making it into a career. There are numerous employment services online but be careful what information your give. They should never ask you for your social security number. Employment agencies that can hire you for temporary jobs can have that, as they need to pay you if you work for them.

If childcare is a problem, as it always is when raising children, consider starting a childcare center in your home. Check out what state laws there are and how to begin that dream (or any other) by going to the library. On the other hand, you can find out more from your local Social Security Office or the local United Way office. I was blessed with help from the United Way, which still helps single mothers with childcares expenses, shelter and scholarship information. Visit unitedway.org to find out how they can help you. In Denver, try calling 211.

While getting your household together, it was necessary to go through whatever resources you did. That is ok! It was not stealing or being a slob. But when you can, try to get back to work, here are some verses regarding employment:

First impressions are everything! Whoever told you that dressing your best to impress the employer was right. There have been numerous studies done by employers and employment agencies to prove that employers sum up everything about you in the first few minutes of the first interview so make it count. If you like to express your personality, do so outside of looking for work. Piercings, tattoos, bright colors in make up or clothes are best on your own time. When you go into a job interview, you are asking this busy, stressed out interviewer to believe in your work and investing in you as a worker to improve their business or even to just fill in a space to do something and give you money for it. It’s their time and they aren’t investing in your personality, just your work effort. Dress in business-like clothes: white shirt, nice plain shoes, straight black pants (not too tight) or passed-the-knee skirt and a sweater or jacket. This will impress practically any employer for just about any type job.

A resume may be more important for a career than you think. I’ve included a sample below. Use it only as a guide. The words may not apply to you so use your own words. It’s just to give you an idea of how they are written. Better yet, go to an employment workshop in your county department of social services. They can give you advice and show you where and how to get a job! You don’t have to give a list of references at first unless you are applying at a department store or filling out an application. Remember, these are legal documents, so be truthful. Make sure you sign and date it as this helps the employer know that you are serious and makes the document legal. It can also help in showing that it is you and not someone else. Always remember identity theft can happen to anyone!

Special note:

“Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you not be dependent on anybody.” (1 Thessalonians 4:11).

I do not want to offend anyone who wants to stay home with her children. God bless you in this! Children do need a lot of care and it is respectable to stay home with them. Many people won’t agree in this day and age but children do grow up with a sense of well-being from a mother who stays home. Just keep your ex up on his child support and report him to the Family Support Registry if he doesn’t pay. Don’t delay in that or he can get the idea that you will let him get away with it. If you want to stay home and make a bit of your own money, you get look into programs on the Internet that let you work at home. They will have to be legit, so check them out. I found one called Alpineaccess.com that is a call center type of employer that sets you up at home. You do need a computer and a phone that you can answer while online. You can do this when the kids are at school or when you can dedicate a few hours to it. It will give you a sense of independence to make your own money and not be reliant on him so much. Just check all companies out through the Better Business Bureau or the Federal Trade Commission.

For more on online job opportunities by working online or being a mystery shopper, check out a book titled: The Mom’s Guide to Earning and Saving Thousands on the Internet by Bar Webb.[15] This is a great book for advice on using the Internet for Freebies and other possibilities. Remember, always check things out first through a Better Business Bureau first and NEVER pay any money to a company to give you work. I was taken for $98 from a rip-off artist company in Reno, NV. 1-800’s can be the same scam scum. Be safe and don’t give away any of you personal information until you check them out first. See what information they have updated on Momdotcom.net.

One last note about Employment: Know your rights!

Susie Q. SOMEBODY (555) 555-5555

5555 Wherever Street

Englewood, CO 85555

___________________________________________________________

QUALIFIED: Administrative assignments requiring proven ability to enhance operational efficiency, affect team productivity, and maximize operating funds.

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

Five-year administrative career highlighted by promotion through increasingly responsible decision-making capacities, including assistant officer-in-charge, officer-in-charge, and administrator. Skill-set and accomplishments:

ADMINISTRATION: Directed the production and control of administrative and personnel programs. Prepared written reports and special projects. Proficient Microsoft Word, Excel, Power Point and Access.

PERSONNEL/HUMAN RESOURCES: Experience includes staffing, training, travel arrangements, and benefits administration. Directly responsible for staffing people to 12 different position descriptions. Managed personnel support functions for 100-member organization.

Work Experience

Title Some Company 01/2003 to 03/2005

Somewhere, CO

Title Some Company 08/2001 to 12/2003

Somewhere, CO

Title Some Company 09/1998 to 04/2001

Somewhere, CO

Title Some Company 02/1994 to 09/1998

Somewhere, CO

We have enough trouble working day-today at our jobs and raising our kids. The last thing we need is to fight another fight: one to keep our jobs or one to keep from being taken advantage of. Over the “million” years that I’ve worked, even at various jobs, I have faced difficult situations. As if I haven’t fought enough to win my freedom and my daughter’s safety, I have had to “keep my head above water” at work to keep a job to put food on our table or to know when’s a good time to run! When you have gone through all you can stand, and the above tips haven’t helped, know when you are in a safe position, a safe place to work or when and how to know when to call it quits before an employer takes advantage of you or before you may find yourself facing legal problems. Below is information I found on a government website (but you can also look at that poster in the break room) to find out what your rights are. Employers have restrictions and you have laws to protect you.

Fair Labor Standards Act

Handy Reference Guide to the U.S. Department of Labor Employment Standards Administration

Wage and Hour Division

WH Publication 1282

Revised October 1996

A publication is available on the Internet on the Wage and Hour Division Home Page at the following address: http:\\www.dol.gov/dol/esa/public/whd_org.htm.

Voice Phone: 202-219-8743

TDD* Phone: 1-800-326-2577

*Telecommunications Device for the Deaf

“Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down.”

Mary Pickford, Silent Silver Screen Actress of the early 1900s.

Notes of your own:

Chapter Seven

Housing

My mother worked for the city at the time of my marriage and she told me of a woman counselor who could help me know what to do about my violent marriage and how to get help. When I went to see Bea, she had a small but neatly furnished office and a kind face. My mom had gone through a messy divorce from an unfaithful husband and raised three kids all on her own. She knew what I was going through and where to start. Tears streaming down my face, I told the counselor how my home life was and she listened. Then she made a list of the things I needed to do to escape and start a life on my own.

If you are homeless, please ask your local Salvation Army for help or the United Way. They can give you resources in your area. Stay SAFE

One of these actions was to call and apply to an apartment housing project that would accept be on a program to help me get my own apartment. Nothing beats eating your own peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the middle of the night in your own place! Well, it took a few months but it was worth it. Today, there are more choices for you to acquire your own place than when I started out in 1987. Check with your state’s housing programs to see how you can get your family into a home of your own. There are many different programs Social Services can tall you about, like Section 8, housing voucher, and section 42, which is like a housing voucher based on income. Please ask them about the programs available because they may not tell you unless you know to ask. Simply asking what options are open to you won’t get you the information you need. Go to them before you go to an apartment or leasing office for any housing information because housing laws differ from state to state. There you will have to fill out some paper work and show them the birth certificates of yourself and your children. That’s just a start.

Also, look up HUD.gov (The Department of Housing and Urban Development) for more information. They have everything from learning to buy your own home to which renting programs you can use. There is even legal information on that website to help you in you have problems with a landlord. I’ve used it to email them about a scary problem I had in 2003. You might try Habitat for Humanity. You have to make a certain amount each month and volunteer to help build other peoples’ homes to make up the required amount of hours but you can use your kids or friends and family to help. It would be worth it to have a house of your own!

Being on welfare or using the housing programs available can be a help or a pain because you can’t seem to get ahead. I would encourage you to find other means on employment and charitable contributions, like clothes, food and help with rent; however, if that is the only way you can become self-sufficient then that is the best way for right now. The Salvation Army helps anyone who comes through his or her doors with at least food. I’ve gone to them for help with rent when I had nowhere else to turn when my rent went up. They also gave us food and can help you by giving you a list of resources. For more resources, please check the list at the end of this book.

Another bit of advice I read about is some mothers have found it a great idea to move in together and combine families to save on costs. My friends, Sara and Shaina stayed together for a few months and it worked out because one could watch the kids while the other went on her errands or worked. You have to really be flexible and not take advantage of each other in this situation.

One little quote that broke me up comes from a recent Disney movie titled, “Lilo and Stitch.”[16]

“This is my family. I found it on my own. It’s little and broken but it’s still good. Yah, still good.” Stitch

“Unless the Lord builds the house,

its builders labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city, The watchman stands guard in vain.” Psalm 127

Remember, you are the survivor of your little family and your kids are depending on you. Your family’s safety comes first. Find a place to call your own. The following information can help you get started on a future and a sense of security. No one is allowed into your home if you don’t want him or her to be there! And please no forget as some do that you need to keep that front door locked at all times, to keep little children in and the bad guys out!

To find out more about the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development to you go to HUD.com or call toll-free 1-888-466-3487.

U.S.

Department of Housing and Urban Development
451 7th Street S.W., Washington, DC 20410
Telephone: (202) 708-1112 TTY: (202) 708-1455

Habitat for Humanity[17]

Partner Service Center
Habitat for Humanity International
121 Habitat St.
Americus, GA 31709-3498

USA

Telephone: (229) 924-6935, ext. 2551 or 2552
E-mail: publicinfo@hfhi.org

How to Apply for a Habitat for Humanity House

If your family, or a family you know, is in need of decent, affordable housing, please contact the Habitat for Humanity affiliate serving your area.

Habitat affiliates are independent, locally run, nonprofit organizations. Each affiliate coordinates all aspects of Habitat home building in its local area, including partner family selection. Your local affiliate can give you information on the availability, size, costs, "sweat equity" work requirements and application process for Habitat houses in your area.

Every affiliate chooses its homeowners based on the same three criteria:

1. the applicants' level of need,

2. their willingness to become partners in the program

3. and their ability to repay the no-profit, no-interest loan.

Neither race nor religion is a factor in choosing the families who receive Habitat houses.

To find contact information for affiliates in your area, use our affiliate search tool or call the Habitat for Humanity help line at (800) 422-4828, ext. 2551 or 2552.

Street’s Hope Program

K-LOVE's Amy Baumann interviews Leanne Downing, Founder and Executive director of Street’s Hope, Easter, former prostitute in the Street’s Hope Program, Leeza Patton, Street’s Hope Mentor, Barbara Rich, Street’s Hope Mentor - mentor to Easter
Street’s Hope is a faith based organization in Denver, Colorado helping women in the sex for sale industry – who want out – build a new life.

K-LOVE's Marya Morgan interviews Phillip McIntosh of Youth Development International
Each month, thousands of teens in trouble call 1-800-HIT-HOME for help. From their bedrooms or from the streets, they dial for advice on things like depression or pregnancy (runaways can even get a bus ticket home). Volume on the round-the-clock hotline is rising, and more volunteers are needed to give kids a place to turn.

Youth Development International
858-292-5683

TeenCrisis Line 1-800-HIT-HOME

Chapter Eight

Medical Issues

Your health

Taking care of you—whole health: mind, body, and soul

Things that get into the way: addictions, viruses, and bruises

Your children

Taking care of them—whole health: mind, body, and soul

Things that get into the way: addictions, viruses, and bruises

What Is Out There To Help You?

Insurance

Government programs

“Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which us surrounded by five covered colonnades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lay—the blind, the lame, and the paralyzed. {It was said that the first one into the pool was cured of whatever ailed him.} One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, He asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?’

‘Sir,’ the invalid replied, ‘I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.’

Then Jesus said to him, ‘Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.’ At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.” (John 5:1-8)

Eye Drops (like Visine) are lethal for babies if swallowed!

Get an updated list of what to do when children swallowed things they shouldn’t from the local Poison control center or your doctor!

There is an important lesson in John 5, above. The teachers I have listened to have taught me that Jesus asked what seemed to be a heartless question to a lame man but in reality, He was asking him if he wanted to get well because He wanted to teach us some people rather have the attention than actually work at getting well. So, get up, take up your mat and walk!

“When it rains, it pours.” This was a slogan for a commercial for salt a century ago but it can apply to the raising of children. Little noses are always going to run! Being on one’s own in this crises isn’t always easy. There are doctors and medications, shots and tears a-plenty. The tears aren’t always from the children, are they? Our problems can be which doctor to see to how to pay for it.

Insurance

Insurance is a necessary nightmare. If you don’t have insurance and can’t get it from a court order for your ex to pay (they never seem to anyway) you can rely on Medicaid for a while. My daughter could not have grown up without it. We had nothing else to help us. She not only had the vaccinations but also two eye surgeries, glasses, medications for colds, fever, flu and then was diagnosed with Tourette’s Syndrome after she turned seven. It was no picnic. Many teachers may try to make you think something is wrong with your baby and be wrong but that’s nothing compared to when they are right. Specialists are expensive. So I would not had any help if I hadn’t got Medicaid when I did. Please check out what resources you can find. Your child or children can be covered under Medicaid even if you may not be. With all the vaccinations they need, it’s a good idea. There are some programs out there through doctors’ offices, health clinics and schools that give free vaccinations if you can’t get of that program.

●●●

“I am the living bread which came down from Heaven: if any man eat of this bread, and he who believes in me will never go thirsty.” (John 6:35)

●●●

Health

I am not any kind of medical professional so I have no right giving you professional advice, only advice that can come from a friend. Pray about whatever is troubling you. Listen to Him.

You also have to take care of yourself. Yes, your babies come first, but they can’t make it if you are hurting or sick. If you need Medicaid for your health, then do it! This life is too short to be sick! I’ve suffered from depression for about seventeen years and need my medication. You may not have to worry about depression but check it out with your doctor. If you have it, it may only be temporary. I am not on Medicaid anymore but I’m glad I had it when I did.

Also, your ex may not have told you everything, and probably won’t so you may be suffering from a venial disease and not know it. Please get medical advice on this. Whatever you’re going through, you also need to take care of your health!

I’ve studying a great deal on health issues because of my life and situations. We haven’t been around the best kind of people or our exes haven’t. Either way, start with taking a good look at yourself and how you are living. Venial diseases aren’t always noticeable, like Human Papillomavirus (HPV)—venial warts,[18] but inside your blood system.

These can be passed on to future children, if they haven’t already been passed on to the children you have. It may be very embarrassing but it is best for your health for you to have regular pap smears to check for HPV and your children won’t have to go to a foster home if you get really sick or even die if you don’t go to a doctor. According to Rachal Gruman, Seventeen Magazine, “80% of women who are sexually active get HPV. And, a girl who gives oral sex to someone has HPV can get genital warts in her mouth.”

Nutrition

“’My daughter has just died. But come and put your hand on her, and she will live.’ Jesus got up and went with the ruler and so did His disciples.

Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind Him and touched the edge of His cloak. She said to herself, ‘I have only cloak, I will be healed.’

Jesus turned and saw her. ‘Take heart, daughter, He said, your faith has healed you.’

The woman was healed from that moment.” (Matthew 9:18-22).

(Also see Mark 5:25-34)

Health also involves what you eat. Face it, donuts aren’t our friends anymore! And if you’re like me, you probably have had enough cheap, Styrofoam-type noodle soaps to last forever! Start studying what changes you can make to your diet to make meals more natural for you and your kids. I had to stop the artificial drink mix into the house because my daughter was literally climbing the walls! I know how it is; Chef Boyardee is one of my best friends, too! Instead of using canned stuff like that, try making your own and freezing it in baggies! I’ve also separated sauces into baggies and froze them to use them a little at time to make it all last longer. Have you ever made pizza then found the jar to be fuzzy the next time you went to make it again? One Social Worker asked me how we could survive on $12 in Food Stamps when Danielle was young. I just replied: sauces. Make whatever you can when you’re not working or going to school and freeze it! Then just pull it out and heat it up with pasta or rice.

How can a parent make something for the family on a tight budget? Just improvise. Cut down on the white flour, sugar and sugar cereals if the kids can run through the house in 2.3 seconds. Don’t rely on the bad stuff all the time; find some natural foods (like natural peanut butter, all-fruit spreads instead of jelly) to give your family. Some aren’t that expensive. Look in the health food section for those cereals; kids don’t know the difference! Sliced apples go great with warm peanut butter and taste like caramel apples. When I was teaching Danielle in our homeschool, we studied how people improvised through the Great Depression.[19] I got a lot of good ideas from the American Girl stories and Danielle got two years in history. Sometimes I had to come up with ideas for helping her get better when she was sick. She would not take any cough medicine so I had to go with honey for cough syrup—food stamps pay for it and kids will take it! It has antibacterial properties; though it can’t substitute for the medicine your doctor can give you. I’ve read about herbal remedies so find out what you can about some home remedies that aren’t bogus or scary. I’ve even found some interesting recipes for make up! I can’t give those to you because I haven’t tried them all and I’m not licensed in that.

I cannot tell you how to live your life but I can give you some ideas that have helped me to de-stress when everything around me is boiling over in to the drip pan!

(The Holy Spirit hears our cries and cries to God, the Father for us)

Important Phone Numbers for Medicaid Clients

Customer Service Information Line (Se Habla Español):

Monday-Friday 7:30am - 5:30 pm except State Holidays

Toll Free.................... 1(800) 221-3943

Information on Medicaid services and benefits

Concerns about Medicaid, CICP & CHP+

Language Line Interpretation Services

FirstHelp - 1-800-283-3221

All Medicaid clients not enrolled in an HMO can call anytime a client is sick, hurt or needs health care advice. To help in decisions about whether to go to the emergency room or not to help in decisions about when to see a doctor.

If you are enrolled in a Medicaid HMO, please call the HMO's 800 number or you may call the FirstHelp line and you will be transferred to the 800 number for your HMO.

To enroll in Managed Care, Change Doctors or Health Plans,

Please call HealthColorado at:

“Whoever will drink of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (John 4:13)

Outside Denver Metro:

1-888-ENROLLS.......... 1-888-367-6557

TDD/TTY....................... 1-888-876-8864

Family Health Line for information about various programs:

Toll Free...........................1 (800) 688-7777

Baby Care Kids Care

Early and Periodic Screening Diagnosis and Treatment (EPSDT)

Women, Infant and Children (WIC)

Mental Health Services

* Questions * Exemptions

Ombudsman................... 1 (800) 290-4530

Ombudsmen are people who are trained to help you find the medical and other types of information you need. Or World Book describes them as: Ombudsman is a nonpartisan public official who investigates people's complaints about government officials or agencies. Most of an ombudsman's work involves complaints of unjust or harsh treatment of people by police, prosecuting attorneys, or judges, and such matters as housing, taxation, voting, or welfare payments. After investigating a complaint, the ombudsman may dismiss it or may seek correction of the problem—by persuasion, by publicity, or, occasionally, by recommending prosecution.

The idea of the ombudsman originated in

Sweden

in 1809. It has spread to

Japan

and to several European, Commonwealth, and newly independent countries. Hawaii has a comprehensive ombudsman plan, and other states and some

United States

cities have modified plans. The idea also has gained popularity in large organizations, including corporations and universities. The ombudsman's growing popularity coincides with the increasing complexities of administration and with people's need for impartial and informal handling of complaints.[20]

Co-Pay Exemptions and questions

Toll Free.......................... 1(800) 221-3943 x 2385

“I was wise enough to never grow up while fooling most people into believing I had.”

Margaret Mead. Coming of Age in Samoa.

“The most powerful energy sources are in your soul, not your body. Learn how to create more joy and meaning in your life.” Mira Kirshenbaum, Ladies Home Journal, April 2004.

Suicide Prevention[21]
If you think someone you know is suicidal, consider these tips from the Suicide Information & Education Centre (www.suicideinfo.ca).

WARNING SIGNS:

· threatens suicide

· talks about wanting to die

· shows changes in behavior, appearance, or mood

· abuses drugs and/or alcohol

· deliberately injures herself/himself (even “cutting”)

· appears depressed, sad, withdrawn

WHAT TO DO:

· let the person talk about his/her feelings

· be accepting; don't judge

· ask if the person is having suicidal thoughts

· take all suicide threats seriously

· do not swear secrecy—tell someone

· contact a counselor, pastor, or one of the organizations listed in the other sidebar

Suicide Resources

· American Association of Suicidology, www.suicidology.org

· The Organization for Attempters and Survivors of Suicide for Interfaith Services (OASSIS), www.oassis.org

· American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, www.afsp.org

· Suicide Awareness/Voices of Education, www.save.org

· Finding Your Way After the Suicide of Someone You Love by David B. Beibel, D.Min. & Suzanne L. Foster, M.A.

· Grieving a Suicide: A Loved One's Search for Comfort, Answers & Hope by Albert Hsu

· Standing in the Shadow: Help and Encouragement for Suicide Survivors by June Cerza Kolf

· Aftershock: Help, Hope, and Healing in the Wake of Suicide by David Cox & Candy Neely Arrington

“I tell you the truth, whoever hears my Word and believes Him Who sent Me has eternal life; he has crossed over from death to life. (John 5:24)

Notes and questions on Medical Subjects for doctor: ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:13)

Chapter Nine

Education

“Our people must learn to devote themselves to doing what is good, in order that they may provide for daily necessities and not live unproductive lives.” (Titus 3:14)

It’s never too late to start! There are many programs, financial aid and scholarships to help you with your dreams. With the Internet there are even ways to go to school while you’re at home! Today is just the beginning, not the end of your life.

The first step is to find a trade school, technical school or community college. Then get a financial aid information packet and fill it out. I went to a counselor who told me that “students like you (meaning single mothers) don’t graduate.” It took five years but I proved him wrong! I went to a “Metropolitan State College” which is like a community college in that there are other types of students then in a traditional sports-oriented college. Trade schools or technical schools are about the same as a community college but don’t require as much core educational credits as a college and you can earn an associate’s degree or certificate earlier.

It took me five years in a non-traditional, but accredited college, but I finally earned my degree in Creative Writing. As I was taking my graduation pictures, the photographer said for me to think of something great and I thought at that moment how I had proved that counselor wrong and when I looked into the camera, I said "yes!" as she snapped the picture.

What do you want to do? Even if you have to get your GED, it is worth the trouble! You can get paid more and feel like a person instead of how the abuser make you feel. Most of them put down the person they are abusing because it makes them feel better about themselves. Don’t fall for that! God made you in His image and what He wanted you to be.

If you have no idea what you want, pray about it first. The dreams He gave you as a child could be an indication to where He wants you to go. Also, there are aptitude tests to help you find out. Start at a high school counselor’s office if you are young enough to see them or go straight to a community college. Just because I had a bad experience doesn’t mean you will. If you know what you want to do: nursing, teaching, electronic engineer, whatever, you can start by going to the financial aid office and getting an application. Fill that out. Do what you have to do to get the information you need, like going to the school district or writing to them if you’re out of state and getting your information from high school. It will all come together!

Going to college or a trade school is so different than high school so don’t let the fears you had in high school keep you from attaining your dreams. Most teachers will treat you with respect, or they should since you’re paying to be there—even paying by financial aid. I did have a teacher who didn’t treat me with respect but I think that was because he felt I wasn’t very serious about taking his class. Again, prayer can help. God has a beautiful way for clearing up misunderstandings.

I haven’t tried online degrees, but it could be worth it! Also consider beauty schools, nursing schools, and other “for trade” schools. Look them up online but be careful of scams. Be your own investigator by checking that organization or institution out with the proper authorities like even the Better Business Bureau. I keep that website handy for many reasons and to look up any business because I fell for some mail-in business scams.

“I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

Yes there are financial aid programs that can help you. I rather talk to a counselor at a college or school who could lead me to the right, legitimate help. There are some restrictions, like how much you parent(s) make depending on your age or how much you make. That was for the Pell Grant I had for many years but even though I took classes on a full-time basis, it was money that paid for my classes and books that I didn’t have to pay back.

Be very careful about student loans. That can be a whole nightmare that can take years to pay off. Stick with work-study programs, maybe some that include babysitting help, and other grant or scholarship programs. They are out there and now that you have the Internet, (check out classes to take online, too) information free at your local library. You can find more than I had to help you. I was blessed with help from the United Way, which still helps single mothers with childcares expenses, shelter and scholarship information. Visit unitedway.org to find out how they can help you. In Denver, try calling 211.

Chapter Ten

Travel

“In all ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:6)

Motor Vehicles

Bus Travel

Bicycles or even roller skates (blades)

Motor Vehicles

If you a vehicle, you are ahead of the game! I, on the other hand was kept “in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well.” Which means my ex had me so afraid of going outside and of learning how to drive that I had to rely on the city bus system after I got on my own. God showed me the world outside and now I can’t get enough of freedom and traveling! Don’t be discouraged if you don’t have a car and have to take the bus. Think of your freedom. And look into getting a bus pass, you might find a program that offers discounts or scholarships.

In the past few years, I’ve had the worst problems owning a car. I had a wonderful blue truck for ten years until I spun around on ice and up onto a curb so I took it in to get it fixed. Let me say now that you should ask people you trust who they take their vehicles to before you have to take yours in. I found out a horrible trick these people play on you. I took it to the dealership so my insurance would cover whatever was wrong and get a rental. I called my insurance person and asked for a rental. As I waited, a grimy little man came up to me and conned me into a vehicle I couldn’t afford. I had to go to court when I couldn’t make the payments. Had I known I could check the NADA book or the Car Fax on the internet to find out the value of my truck as a trade-in. Some friends of mine wanted a new vehicle and let me by theirs for $70 per month. It lasted a good year, even going to the mountains a couple of times before I learned the hard lesson of what happens to a car if you don’t have the oil changed (or any oil in it at all!). Something called a “timing chain” broke. If you know this stuff, don’t laugh.

Well, I went to a dealer that my mother went to and they treated me a whole lot better. I learned from them that a vehicle can have a trade-in value of $1,000 just for the parts and metal! Know all this before you go in and keep asking questions about the NADA value, or have it with you. Also, they will always consider what work they have to do on it or to junk it. Take someone you trust with you. Never go it alone! As your church if you can have an elder go with you. That isn’t always easy but ask if he and his wife could go with you. Maybe you know the wife? I know how all that feels too, the women who step closer to their man when you talk to him. Just brush that off. I like to give most of my attention to the wife first to cut that out at the start. Just remember to do your homework on your car through the internet and grab a friend who knows what buying a car is supposed to be like.

Automotive problems can be solved easier then you think. It just takes a bit of know-how and preparation to avoid them.

Winterizing Checklist

1. Use a heavier oil, ask what would be best for your vehicle. Also, HEET for your gas tank is good

2. Add a non-freezing windshield fluid to the windshield fluid tank and a scraper (keep this and sprays out of reach of children, like in the trunk) I use a sprayer filled with deicing windshield fluid.

3. Pack spare clothes and blankets in the trunk or container

4. First-aid kit

5. Snacks and bottled water

6. Spare tire and jack

7. Rubbing alcohol, clean tin can and toilet paper can make a flare (carefully!)

8. Starter spray (find out how to use it first)

9. Panty hose can make a alternator belt, also hard hand soap used on the belt can make it stop squeaking-not long term

10. Jumper cables, also Coke-a-cola is great for eating away dried battery acid ~jury’s still out on this one.

THE most important thing to remember is the safety of your child(ren)! God gave these blessings to us for a while to take care of and we are responsible if something goes wrong. No excuses accepted. You can even be put in jail for not following the rules and keeping your kids safe. I’ve looked up some facts you should know.

“Parents must be careful to use car seats that meet current federal guidelines and that are appropriate for the child's age and weight,” writes researcher Elizabeth A. Edgerton, MD, MPH, an emergency medicine and trauma specialist at Children's National Medical Center in Washington, D.C. "Shield booster seats no longer have any role in child passenger safety.”[22]

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration advises forward-facing car seats that secure the child with a five-point seat belt and harness.

Invest in a new model of car seat that meets recent Federal guidelines. Don't use an older model that's been handed down or that you've found in a thrift shop. Don't even use a new model of shield car seat; one manufacturer still produces them, but they are not considered by many experts to be safe. It is marketing them for children between 30 and 40 pounds.

In her study, Edgerton investigated 46 car crash victims who were admitted to pediatric trauma centers between 1991 and 2003. She compared the outcomes of children in shield car seats with those in forward facing car seats. Of children restrained in shield booster seats, 62% had severe injuries, especially to the head, chest, and abdominal/pelvic area. They had longer hospitals stays, often in intensive care units, and often required rehabilitation, she reports.

Of children in forward-facing seats, 16% had serious injuries, but their hospital stays were shorter. Shield booster seats “accounted for all the abdominal and pelvic injuries and a significantly greater proportion of head and chest injuries,” writes Edgerton in an issue of Pediatrics. There is a growing concern about older models of the seat that are still in circulation. Federal investigations of shield booster seats have demonstrated the lack of safety. A series of rollover crash tests showed that dummies weighing less than 40 pounds were more likely to be ejected if they rode in these seats. Also, crash investigations have reported that babies riding in shield booster seats had greater trauma to the baby's upper body, abdomen, and head.

“On the basis of these studies, the American Academy of Pediatrics has discouraged the use of shield booster seats, stating that they do not provide the best protection to children who are involved in motor vehicle collisions,” she writes. Also, very important: the law prohibits the use of any car seats used after being in a vehicle accident.

Other ways of transportation are buses, light-rail systems, long-range buses from suburb to city, and carpooling. Like mothers who live together to share expenses and babysitting duties, carpooling can help cut costs. What I did was go from bus to bus by using a bus pass. I had to take baby, diaper bag, and stroller but at least we got around!

Look for scholarships for bus passes and other types of passes from women’s counselors at Social Services and women shelters. I was blessed with help from the United Way, which still helps single mothers with childcares expenses, shelter and scholarship information. Visit unitedway.org to find out how they can help you. In Denver, try calling 211.

Car Care

Taking care of your vehicle is important even if you don’t feel like it. I hate to check the oil or even put windshield wiper fluid in it but that has to be done. Don’t wait until the motor starts acting funny! If you are out of oil, your engine can seize up and the whole thing can lock up on you, and at 55 mile per hour, that’s not funny. Keep a jug of water in the truck for anytime your car may over heat and DON”T open the radiator cap if it does! You may suffer serious burns. I have never tried it but there is even a spray can tat fixes flats called Stop Leak. If we keep our purses and diaper bags prepared, wouldn’t it make sense to put those same things in the car? If they don’t spoil or dry out, then keep an extra supply in the car so you don’t hurt your back always carrying that stuff. I keep extra pads and things in the car for those kinds of emergencies, too!

Bus Travel

While I was in college, I did not drive at all. I was too afraid of driving and being in an accident to take the chance so I rode bus after bus. Freedom is so important, it’s like breathing. If you can find a safe way to travel (hitch-hiking is never good—been there, done that and survived—which many don’t) then get outside and bring the kids with you! Check out a community center or recreation center if you can’t get a bus pass for free at the local social services. Also see if United Way can help you. That’s what they are there for! If they can see that you need it for work or school, they may be happy to give you a bus pass either free or for a small charge. It’s worth checking into!

Bicycles or even roller skates (blades)

The only advice I can give here is to look for bikes at garage sale, thrift stores or friends. Many cities and suburbs have bike paths, which are safer than riding on the street. Also, don’t listen to headphones while riding because not only can you run into someone but you can also be attacked. More on self-defense in Chapter 12. I would have loved to ride Danielle around in a covered attachment cart or a baby seat on the back of a bike but I never had the chance to get one. Maybe you can find these things more easily than I could?

Notes of your own:

	INFANTS	TODDLER	YOUNG CHILDREN
WEIGHT	Birth to 1 year at least 20-22 lbs.	Over 1 year and Over 20 lbs.-40 lbs.	Over 40 lbs. Ages 4-8, unless 4'9''.
TYPE of SEAT	Infant only or rear-facing convertible	Convertible / Forward-facing	Belt positioning booster seat
SEAT POSITION	Rear-facing only	Forward-facing	Forward-facing
ALWAYS MAKE SURE:	Children to one year and at least 20 lbs. In rear-facing seats Harness straps at or below shoulder level	Harness straps should be at or above shoulders Most seats require top slot for forward-facing	Belt positioning booster seats must be used with both lap and shoulder belt. Make sure the lap belt fits low and tight across the lap/upper thigh area and the shoulder belt fits snug crossing the chest and shoulder to avoid abdominal injuries
WARNING	All children age 12 and under should ride in the back seat	All children age 12 and under should ride in the back seat	All children age 12 and under should ride in the back seat

Proper Child Safety Seat Use Chart[23]
Buckle Everyone. Children Age 12 and Under in Back!

It’s best if you keep checking up on this information as times always change.

Chapter Eleven

Home Life

I dedicated this chapter to helpful hints and ideas to help you when you’re in a time-crunch or just stuff I’ve learned and want to pass along. Sometimes it’s nice to have things written down because life can be a whirlwind that can wipe out your memory as fast as a toddler loose in the kitchen! Don’t just go by what I have here, write down your own ideas and keep them in the notes sections of this book for quick reference. Also important is taking care of your home and teaching your kids to help, but jobs based on what they can do at their own ages.

No, I’m not nagging; just telling you like it is if you’re in public housing. The housing authority in your area will do inspections at times to keep an eye on the appliances, walls, carpets, etc. to see if they meet the safety standards set by the federal government so that property managers don’t try to get away with being cheap and neglectful. Some even try to get away with not having a toilet! It’s important to write down problems you see when you move in so they won’t charge you for it when you move out! It’s also important for you to get things in writing if your managers say they will do some improvements because they won’t if you don’t have it down. Sign and date everything because that makes it a legal document. Also, take photographs of things: mold, cracks, holes, and the place after you’ve cleaned it before you move out so you have proof of it so they can’t charge you. It’s also good to have a friend witness the clean place. You can get a notarized at the bank or somewhere with your friend or they can. That’s good in court. I also get a copy of everything. It’s good to have a file system that works for you.

“Be kind to these little ones, because their angels see the Face of My Father everyday.” (Matthew 18:10)

I tell you this because of friends I’ve known who have had problems with managers who try to get away with things or charges when on move-out day. One friend came home to find the apartment manager taking pictures of her house when she wasn’t home! That’s illegal. She saw a lawyer and the lady was fired. Keep the housing authority’s phone number handy, just in case things like this happen!

We often feel like God is teaching us lessons and, indeed He is, but He is also using the trials we go through to teach our children. After all, we gave Him that right when we asked Him to be Lord over our lives and to save us from what we were going through.[24] The next time you feel like you’re being tested or going through something else the devil is flinging at you, ask yourself not only what lessen you might be learning, but also what could God be teaching your child? He is still large and in charge. He loves you, He loves your kids and He will teach you and them what do to pray to Him for help.

I believe He reminds me of this when things get overwhelming and Danielle will stop anything and everything she’s doing and will take my hands and start to pray. Just like that. She says the prayer and puts in what I can’t find in my head to do at the time. It can be hard for us to remember when things feel like they are spinning out of control that He gave us these little ones (and sometimes, not so little) as a blessing, not a curse. I’ve put down some more verses about what God says about children for inspiration.

This one is so near to my heart and encourages me.

“He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.” (Isaiah 40:11, NLT)

               Many counseling specialists says it's a good idea to take care of your home to keep your mood light and teach your children to help because they learn good life skills to help them later in life. If you're in public assistance housing, like I've been for twenty years, you ought to know that they do inspections to see if there are any problems with the place that need fixing.  Their main concern is if the toilet is leaking (because it costs more in water bills) or if the windows need fixing (like if there are screens on them so the toddlers don't fall out).

               The appliances are another concern as that is their investment and the use of them costs money, especially if they are running while damaged. That is also a health hazard to you and your family so they need to know when to fix things. And, yes, they check for cleanliness for reasons like small pests. That can help you if you need an exterminator because they have to pay for it. Another thing they look for is problems with the carpet. Girl, I tell you, there is nothing like finding a horrible little hole next to a wall where the carpet and wall have been chewed! EEWW! Mice are NOT little fun creatures when they are crawling around at night and you don't know where! Save your babies by keeping an eye out for that! (shutter) Also be careful to watch for mold on the walls, in corners of closets, along the walls under windows, etc.

               All this is also so the managers and the places they rent have to meet required guidelines for safety and usage. To even be a landlord of a rental to housing participants, their places have to go through a government inspection to meet these guidelines to get the tax brakes. Some landlords have tried to get away with not even having a toilet! So, you see, these are important for your sake as well as theirs. You may want to write down a list of problems you see for them to fix. This is very important when you first move into a place so they can't charge you when you move out, if they haven't fixed the problems. They are supposed to fix the problems at their own cost unless you, or your family, do the damage (or even a guest).

             Read your lease or even get someone to help you read it so you know what can happen with that landlord. The booklet the housing authority has titled Fair Housing can explain things, also. Keep a copy of everything you get from them and the housing authority so you'll be ready for anything! I have taken pictures of problems like mouse holes and mold. When I was moving, I'd take a picture of each room after I've cleaned it so they can't try to charge me cleaning costs like they did a friend of mine. It is a good idea to stay aware of the laws in housing and your rights as a tenant. HUD.gov has a lot of helpful information. Be sure you and your landlord agree on a lot of things before you move in so you won't have many disputes. They cannot come into your apartment without your approval. My neighbor came home to find the manager of her apartments taking pictures of her home! That is illegal and the woman got fired after my friend got a lawyer to point that out to the management company.

Hints:

               Clean lint out the your dryer's catch basket so it doesn't burn up the heating element. Also as the manager to clean out the lint trap to the outside of the house. My dryer died because of this same problem.

Hints:

Clean out bathroom fans because it will make them run more quietly and save you on the electricity bill!

Make faces on round stickers as safety guards on dangerous products to keep the kids away from them! I call them no-no stickers.

Peanut butter gets out gum in hair and according Joey Green, scientist with products, you can also use it to shave your legs! Ok, that is gross and I haven’t used it but it’s interesting!

Make sachets for undy drawers by sewing two used dryer sheets together with potpourri in it.

OraGel or gum-numbing gel can be used to numb splinters before you take them out. I’d see if it will come out in the bathtub during a warm bath first. Saves on the screaming.

“Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the Kingdom of God like a little child will never enter It.” (Matthew 19:14)

“Father, I pray that our home will be filled with the fullness of Your Presence, and that all who enter may feel welcome. May our love increase and overflow toward You, toward one another, and toward everyone else. And may every activity that takes place in this home bring glory to You, Lord. Amen.” A Prayer for Simple Living, From The Simple Home[25]

Out with the old, in with the new. After a break up and next to getting your hair dyed another color, this old adage comes true as pure bliss! Throw out those old memories of him and start over! (Well, maybe keep something for the kids so they’ll know what he looked like.) Now, don’t go all out tossing things or the kids won’t have a stitch! But you can get rid of things that are just getting in the way. If you’ve taken refuge in another place, this isn’t that hard. If you’re like me, this is your worst nightmare. I hate the overwhelming feeling that I’m confronted by a monster made of paperwork and junk mail! Best to call in recruits.

According to Laura Purcell, at mindsrping.com, in her article, Organizing Your House—Permission to Purge,[26] deciding what to keep is easier not to keep everything you’ve ever received but to figure out what “object no longer has a place in your life.”

The guidelines she suggests are “what memorabilia can be tossed, what you should save, and how to preserve those keepsakes. As hard as it might be for some to throw anything away, it’s probably not necessary to save every postcard, party invitation or letter you've ever received. Karen Kingston, author of Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui, recommends giving yourself a test to decide if you should keep something.

1. Does it lift your energy when you think about it or look at it?

2. Do you absolutely love it?

3. Is it genuinely useful? If the answers are not a resounding yes, perhaps the object no longer has a place in your life.

Her guideline for deciding is based on a friend’s decision on what to toss when sorting “through her 20 boxes of memorabilia and eventually pared it down to three big art boxes. For a guideline of what you might hold onto -- or not -- here are (the friend’s) verdicts.

“Think of the lilies: They neither spin nor weave’ yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his splendor was not attired like one of them. If that is how God clothes the grass…how much more will He clothe you!” (Luke 12:27, 28)

Postcards: Saved those from good friends. Tossed the rest. Jazz shoes: Kept -- they still fit. Journals: Some silly, some insightful -- saved accordingly. (Journals are always a good idea to sort out feelings; I’ve done almost a million!) Ex-boyfriend art: Cute photo, bad relationship. Gone. French magazine: John-John died while I was in

France

, and people were comforting me. Saved. Slinky: Saved -- for my future children. Birthday cards: Gone -- few were meaningful. Stuffed mouse: Won for me at Coney Island by an ex, but throwing it away seemed too horror-movie. Date books: Boring! (And the guys are probably NOT mature anyway) I threw them all away. Empty envelope: A rare sample I have of my late father's handwriting. Saved. Old IDs: One was another woman’s, which I used as a fake ID. Sent to the alumni society to be returned to her. Dad's shorts: From his track days. Saved. Photos: Tossed random shots. Saved unflattering fifth-grade head shots.” (For future kids, no doubt.)

For saving what you want to pack away for your kids or you to look at later, there are a few good ideas you should keep in mind. I’ve learned from friends that photos can turn color over time and things can end up not bringing the same enjoyment that they used to because of time’s power of decay. I have found a new hobby of scrap booking that is going to last me until I’m 80 because I haven’t even done a baby book for my daughter! That’s twenty years of memories lurking in those boxes. Here are Laura’s ideas, which I hope to follow as well:

“Easy Archiving of Your Mementos”
You've sorted through your piles of memorabilia and decided what is meaningful enough to save, but don't throw everything mindlessly in boxes. There are a few measures you can take to preserve archives suitably at home, says Faith Davis Ruffins, a historian at the Smithsonian National Museum of American History, in Washington, D.C. Learn how to save everything from letters to dolls on the following sites.

“I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11:25, 26)

How to Save Letters
Unfold letters and put the envelopes behind them. Do not staple or clip. Place a sheet of acid-free tissue between each letter, and then wrap the pile in the tissue. (Apollo tissue, $7 for 100 sheets, Light Impressions, www.lightimpressionsdirect.com) or go find these things at a hobby store. Ask if you could purchase a few at a time.

How to Save Ephemera (published media)
Don’t mix materials such as postcards, slides, and bumper stickers. Archival-quality boxes are best. Plastic, like regular cardboard, releases gases that can destroy paper. (Margo Shoe Box Art File, $22, Exposures, www.exposuresonline.com).

How to Save Fabric, Dolls, and Other Textiles
Wrap in archival-grade polyester film (Mylar) or in plain, pre-washed muslin, then place in an archival-quality box. If possible, don’t fold clothing. (Dupont Poly Film, $12 for 50 sheets, www.lightimpressionsdirect.com).”

Like you, I will probably be having a Memories In The Making party or going to Wal-Mart to find whatever may come in handy to help me tame this new kind of (fun) monster!

House cleaning: the other monster in the closet!

If you have to report to the Housing Authority like I have had to for inspections, An apartment manager and friend shared these ideas that will help.

1. Oven cleaning and floors: take the knobs off of the oven before you clean it so on one uses it when the cleaner is in it. While the oven and all burners are off, spray the inside of the oven when the cleaner at night before you go to bed, if the kids don’t walk in their sleep or if you feel it would be safe. Clean it before using it, of coarse but have a window open or vent on when you do go to use it as the clean is burning off the oven and makes noxious fumes. Try rinsing it after cleaning out the cleaner with a wet rag. I hate this duty more than any of the others. One trick is using a razor blade to crap off stuff before you spray but that can take a long time and razor blades are scary to have around. Also, take the burners off and the pans under them and spray the pans while they are in the empty sink or on top of the refrigerator to keep them away for the little ones. Clean in the morning. Nothing else works better than those ugly rubber gloves but it’s better than having your hands sting.

2. Bathroom: spray the showers and baths with cleaner then, do some vacuuming or dusting to give the cleaner time to work. Then go back and clean it. Same with the toilet. If the ring or stuff stays under the rim, use a pomes stone.

3. Clean the floor of the bathroom and corners. The inspector will want to know if the chalking is coming up. Same with the carpet. Also look for mouse holes in the corners of stairs and in closets (and look for mold). These critters can squeeze between an opening that's a fourth on an inch. Ewww!

4. Vacuum everything.

5. Check windows for cleaning, slip screens and sticking doors.

Notes of your own:

Chapter Twelve

Self Defense[27]

“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” (Psalm 4:8)

“FEAR”

F—Face the monster. Meet what I’m afraid of head-on.

E—Engage in battle. Do what needs to be done.

A—Abide. Stick with it until I’m not afraid anymore.

R—Reflect. Look back on my conquered monsters and get courage to face the next one.

“More than once I have found myself reaching for God’s gift of courage when fear squeezed me in its grip. I have found that fear preceded victory. And I have found God is faithful to help me with all my monsters.” I read this in a book[28] by Linda Hunter who was a single mom for twelve years and is editor of Single-Parent Family Magazine, published through Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave not forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

There are many aspects of protecting yourself and safeguarding your children and your home.

Protecting your person

Protecting your children in ALL ways

Protecting your home, lock doors and windows, double check before bed!

Safeguarding your data/information to your bank accounts, social security information and insurance information. All information, even your trash! Save files (hard copy and soft copy) on disks and in expanding file folders in safe-type boxes.

Don’t give out your personal info while you are on your cell phone in a public—you never know! Better safe than your identity stolen.

Attach your keys to your purse and hang that over your shoulder, never a clutch. Never give a valet your house keys to park your car. Never know when you’ll be in that situation but it’s good to know before that happens.

Watch what you put on MySpace and other websites like that! Especially important on the match-making websites! You can be found that way! People have done it. Never meet them alone but ALWAYS in a public place that’s well populated. Leave if it’s not. Better paranoid than dead. The last thing you do is bring them home to meet the kids. Don’t do this until your friends have met them and you’re with your friends at your house. Kids get attached so easily and hurt much more than we do. Boys seem to be more protective of their mothers and can be defensive.

Protecting Your Person:

Know the law on protecting yourself. I thought going to the library and just checking out a video on self-defense would help me but I learned that just finding out a few kicks isn’t enough. You have to know how to carry yourself, what to put in your purse, the laws on stocking offenders in your state and what you can be liable for if you take the law into your own hands. The best advice is to stay alert on your surroundings and make a mental plan to find an escape route or how to get help. Screaming ins always good but use you wits. You’ve not those lessons on the street for nothing! Only go to busy places during the day.

I’m not sure but I still think that movie Home Alone had some good ideas about home security systems! But if you’re putting Christmas ornaments in front of the window and mini-racing cars on the floor in front of the door, tell everyone in your family! The most used and maybe the most effective devise is the dowel stick or cut broom handle placed in the glide frame of the window, behind the moving pane and locking everything up. Also, I’ve prayed to be safe and God has always made us safe when I prayed about my fears.

To start with, find someone you trust who knows all about how to defend oneself from attacks by strangers. Always look alert when you are walking somewhere. Look around at your surroundings! Criminals see that you aren’t easy to sneak up on and that may make them think that you aren’t an easy target. Practice may help more if the attacker is someone you know.

The local recreation center might have classes and even scholarships to help pay your way. Check with your counselor at the women’s crisis center or your church. When I was working at a nursing home, the staff had informative in-services to teach us how to care for the residents, their rights and one class showed us how to protect ourselves if we are attacked. She had been abducted and dragged into a van. After her survival, she started researching defense techniques and then teaching them to groups. Some people can be terrified of violence all together and the counselors can help with the post-traumatic symptoms like shakiness, dizziness and sweating like what occurs when one is in fear. This is called “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder” and is perfectly natural.

In this class,[29] we learned that that trick of keeping your keys in your and to use as a weapon doesn’t work. They attacker can grab your arm and twist it behind your back in a few seconds. However, it is a good idea to have them ready so you can enter your vehicle or residence quickly. There are other ways of protecting yourself and your children but find out through a community program in your area that has classes in self-defense as well as identity theft (yes, they would still use your identity even if you don’t have anything to steal) and child abduction. You may not totally trust the police department if you have been in bad situations with them, but they do have child identification programs and kits to help you and other programs to even help you with Christmas presents! A Victim Advocate has resources on these and many other programs help you.

Before I begin to give you some ideas, let me make a very important note to keep in mind. We’ve all seen those movies where the abused woman gets revenge or somehow is “safe” now that she has killed her abuser. In real life situations, this never plays out as on the silver screen. You and I both know what you’ve gone through. Before you take matters into your own hands, such as acting violently to your abuser’s mistakes and outbursts, please find out the consequences if you do so. Police and authorities know what acting in self-defense looks like so you might not be able to declare a self-defense plea in court if you are attacked. The best plan is to get away from the abuser with your children into a safe place. Murder is never justifiable in any courtroom, no matter what movie you’ve seen or how you’ve been treated.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave not forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

There is a law, which you have to check into called “mandatory arrest.” This is a law that requires police to take a suspect into custody in all domestic violence cases if there is probable cause a crime was committed.

For example, in our local newspaper, The Rocky Mountain News, Sarah Huntly reports in a series, Battered Justice,[30] that “The Law for Women [is] Now Jailing Them.”

Huntly reports that some women have gone to prison for murdering their husbands to protect themselves under “mandatory arrest.” This is a concept that was supposed to help women “break free” in domestic violence cases. Unfortunately, it can also work against them.

“When more than one person complains in a domestic violence incident, Colorado statute requires officers to conduct a ‘predominate aggressor’ analysis. Police are supposed to analyze prior incidents, the severity of injuries, and the likelihood of future injury and whether one party may be acting in self-defense. Officers are not required to arrest both people, but that sill happens to varying degrees throughout the state.” States Huntly in her report.

The problem from this law has caused abused people to refrain from calling police to get help. The paper states that as of that date, “18,493 domestic violence called logged by Denver police dispatchers in 2003. 6,833 arrests in Denver in 1994, when mandatory arrest went into effect in Colorado. 3,345 domestic violence arrests made in Denver in 2003.”

●●●

“Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’ and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me.” (Psalm 13:3-6)

●●●

“The concept of mandatory arrest was based on a study published in Minneapolis in 1984, but one of the principal authors of the report has since said that sample size was too small to conclude that the approach worked.” This means what the assailant has to loose if arrested will likely not repeat the same offense.

States may differ in their laws on domestic violence so please find out what your state’s laws are before acting out a scene that may not turn out like the movie. Prayer is the first step you should take. Listening to Him is the second. We live in a real world; you and I. Real world laws have real damaging effects not only on us but also on our children, even for years afterward. Canyon City Correctional Facility is full of women with these same stories. Be safe, run away. If you can’t run, protect yourself and your children but make sure you find out how to first. This verse means that God can give you the knowledge you need to protect yourself and your children and that He will protect you. Always pray when you feel scared. Putting a verse into your prayer is a powerful thing. It means that God knows you’ve been reading His word and you’ve been thinking of Him.

Wherever you live, find a Victim’s Advocate at the local district’s police station or ask them where you can find one. These people are trained in what you are going through. They have seen every type of situation there has ever been so they know what you can do and how to take control of your life.

“But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Thessalonians 5:8-9

http://www.themodernwomansdivorceguide.com/blog/2008/02/safety-first

This is some good information for everyone that I found emailed to me from a friend but is good advice. The email read:

HOW TO AVOID BEING THE VICTIM OF A VIOLENT CRIME.

Here are some of the most important points that I got out of his presentation:

Self Defense Techniques:

SING: Stomach, Instep, Knee, Groin

http://www.selfdefenseinstructor.com/category/self-defense-techniques/ [31]

The three reasons women are easy targets for random acts of violence are:

1. Lack of Awareness—You MUST know where you are & what's going on around you.

2. Body Language—Keep your head up, swing your arms, and stand straight up.

3. Wrong Place, Wrong Time—DON'T walk alone in an alley, or drive in a bad neighborhood at night.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

Notes of your own:

If I, now, were able to say anything to you

If I, now, where able to say anything to you,

I would tell you of my nightmare;

a place where you haunt my thoughts.

I run, shivering, in the dark, fear swelling my throat.

I can’t scream and you laugh like a phantom.

I hide only to know you’ll find me and I feel

a thousand needles stabbing in the back of my head

because you hold my hair in you fist as you slam

my face into the cabinet. Then I remember, that was real.

I wake to find myself searching my house for your phantom,

a dark and sinister figure with eyes that glow with power

and hate to look straight into my soul, as if to own it,

and “pluck out the heart of my mystery”; however,

“in this little organ, yet cannot you make it speak.”

You commanded that I be your maid, nurse, slut or slave;

or be like a cello, a saxophone or a drum; yet

“Call me what instrument you will, though you can fret me,

you cannot play upon me.” Not anymore, “like doth quit like,”

and “Measure for Measure.”

In childhood, I learned to wait for my Prince to come.

Then, all I found was a fierce villain in his stead.

Now, I, through my Lord, find the hero inside myself,

“And mercy then will breathe within your lips, like a man new-made.”

The Frog can still be a frog; my kiss won’t make a difference.

I reach down deep inside myself and bring forth my own silent scream.

I have so much fear and hurt and anger and pain and self-torment

and anguish, and horror and misunderstanding and resentment

residing in me that, yet, screaming would not let all of it out.

But you didn’t even allow me that.

And still, on the other side of my coin,

I find intrigue and love for myself you’ll never take away.

I knew when I met you that, no matter how hard

you tried to steel or beat it out of me, you could never

brake my spirit nor extinguish this Light at the center of my being.

Through all the mending of my person, finally I stand and face you.

I can say at the top of my voice, “I am not afraid of You!”

You’ll never have control over me. I can fight you and win.

Every face I may see you in, I’ll know I don’t have to travel that road.

I know I deserve better treatment for what I truly am, a lady.

Author’s Note

You may ask why did I write this book? Am I just shaking my finger at you or trying to tell you what to do? You are a bright individual that God has created. You are an adult by all rights. No one has the right to tell you what to do with your life and how to raise your children. I don’t have that right. We are all accountable to God and He has the right to govern our lives. He can tell you what to do but in order for you to do what He tells you, you must pray and ask forgiveness and trust that He loves you and your children. Read His Word, the Bible and follow His guidance. Fellowship is His way of bringing you into His family and making you feel safe, not to have you around people who judge you.

When you do these things and ask Jesus to live in your heart, you do not have to be afraid anymore. You will never be alone again. You can truly say the verse, “Greater is He who is in me that he who is in the world.” According to studies in the Book of Job, any evil cannot touch you unless Satan asks God’s permission first. When the verse says “he who is in the world,” that what that means: Satan or anyone evil who wants to do you evil. You can say, "Can’t touch this!” as Hammer used to say in the 80s when I lived through my hard times.

The reason I wrote this book was because I’ve been there and I understand your fears and frustrations. We are a part of God’s family and as a family we are called to love one another as He loves us. So I care about you and your children. God cares about every little freckle they have to every hair on their heads. So soul sister, you are not alone. (John 3:16).

Father, I ask you to bless my friends reading this right now Lord, show them a new revelation of Your love and power. Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them Your peace & mercy.

Where there is self-doubting, release a renewed confidence in Your ability to work through them. Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, I ask You to give them understanding, patience, & strength as they learn submission to Your leading.

Where there is spiritual fear, I ask You to renew them by revealing Your nearness, and by drawing them into greater intimacy with You. Where there is fear, reveal Your love, and release to them Your courage.

Where there is a sin blocking them, reveal it, and break its hold over my friend's life. Bless their finances, give them greater vision, and raise up leaders, and friends to support, and encourage them.

Give each of them discernment to recognize the demonic forces around them, and reveal to them the power they have in You to defeat it.

We ask You to do these things in Jesus' name, Amen.

References and Resources

1. Hunter Ed.D, Linda, Parenting On Your Own HarperCollins/Zondervan

2. Anderson, Joan The Single Mother’s Book: A practical Guide to Managing Your Children, Career, Home Finances, and Everything Else, 1990, Peachtree, Ltd., 494 Armour circle, NE, Atlanta, GA 30324. $12.95 NF 306.856 AND/Paper.

3. Krueger, Caryl Waller (woman) Single With Children: The Survival Manual for Every Single Parent, Real Life Success Stories, Plus 144 Ideas for Going It Alone, 1993, Abingdon Press, 201 Eighth Avenue South, Nashville, TN 37203. NF 306.865 KRU/Paper.

4. Alexander, Shoshana In Praise of Single Parents: Mothers and Fathers Embracing the Challenge, 1994 Houghton Mifflin Company, 215 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10003. $12.95

5. Ross, Marilyn & Tom COUNTRY BOUND!: Trade Your Business Suit Blues for Blue Jean Dreams. 1992, Communication Creativity, P.O. Box 909, Buena Vista, CO 81211(719-395-8659: Sales Dept. $19.95 Finance and reference book.

6. Ross, Tom & Marilyn THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO SELF-PUBLISHING: Everything You Need to Know to Write, Publish, Promote, and Sell Your Own Book, Writer’s Digest Books, $16.95. (need copy of order form to CB-MOB Order Dept., P. O. Box 909, Buena Vista, CO 81211.

7. Atlas, Stephen L. The Parents Without Partners, (Running Press, 1984).

8. Vejvoda Murdock, Carol Single Parents Are People, Too! (Butterick Publishing, 1980).

9. Ware, Ciji, Sharing Parenthood After Divorce, (Viking, 1982).

10. Dolmetsch, Paul, The Kids’ Book About Single-Parent Families (Doubleday, 1985).

11. Jensen, Marilyn, Formerly Married: Learning to Live with Yourself (Westminster Press, 1983).

12. Ricci, Islina, Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Custody Work (Macmillian, 1980).

13. Wayman, Anne, Successful Single Parenting (Simon & Schuster, 1987).

14. Glenn, H. Stephen & Jane Nelson, Raising Self-reliant Children in a Self-indulgent World (Prima Publications & Communications, 1988).

15. McCoy, Kathleen, Solo Parenting: Your Essential Guide: How to Find the Balance Between Parenthood and Personhood (New American Library, 1987)

16. Mattis, Mary, Sex and the Single Parent, (Henry Holt, 1986).

17. Riley, Julia, Living the Possible Dream: The Single Parent’s Guide to College Success (Johnson Books).

18. Ross, Ruth Ph.D., Prospering Woman: A Complete Guide to Achieving the Full, Abundant Life/Prosperity is Every Woman’s Birthright. 1982, Ruth Ross & 1985, (Bantam Books, Inc. Whatever Publishing, Inc.), P. O. Box 137, Mill Valley, CA 94941 $3.95 probably not this price anymore. Not Christian teachings but written with a positive attitude toward life.

19. Bingham, Mindy, Changes: A Woman’s Journal for Self-Awareness and Personal Planning, 1987 Written also by Sandy Stryker and Judy Edmonson. Copies of this book may be ordered by sending $16.45 ppd. To Changes, Advocacy Press, P. O. Box 236, Santa Barbara, CA 93102. This book helps understand and plan housing, renting to buying, and other forms of life planning like career, decision making and handling choices.

20. Kvols-Riedler, Bill & Kathy, Redirecting Children’s Misbehavior: A guide for cooperation between children & adults. 1979 R.D.I.C Publications, Box 3118, Boulder, CO 80307.

21. Marshall, Catherine, Christy 1967, Avon Books, Dept. BP, Box 767, Rte 2, Dresden, TN 38225 $5.99 + $1.50.

22. “Woman of the World, Women of Intrigue,” a video documentary on independent woman. Subtlety and discretion are necessary traits of every successful person. Jacqueline Bisset hosts a program that delves into the lives of internationally renowned women from a Brazilian Film actress and beauty, a American woman who studied the life of a Geisha by becoming one, eleven women of science who share the opportunity to dig in

Egypt

, to a German born woman who hunts down Nazi war criminals. V 305.4 WOM

23. Mary Ellen’s Best of Helpful Kitchen Hints, 1980 Warner Books, 75 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, NY 10019

24. Mary Ellen’s Best of Helpful Hints, fast-easy-fun ways to solving household problems. 1980 Warner Books, 75 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, NY 10019

25. Burkett, Larry, The Financial Guide For The Single Parent, 1997 Moody Bible Institute, c/o MLM, Chicago, IL 60610.

26. Free or close-to-free information guides: http://www.pueblo.gsa.gov

27. http://www.amygrant.com/index.html

28. Louv, Richard, 101 Things You Can Do For Our Children’s Future, 1994 Anchor Books, Doubleday/ Bantam Dell Publishing Group, 1540 Broadway, New York, NY 10036

29. Vannoy, Steven W., The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children, Parenting from the heart A Fireside Book, 1994 Published by Simon & Schuster, Rockefeller Center, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020

30. Hunter Ed.D., Linda Single Moments, Weekly Encouragement and Inspiration from One Single Parent to Another, 1997 Focus on the Family Publishing, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

31. Elliot, Elizabeth, How To Overcome Loneliness 1989 NAVPRESS BOOKLETS, Ministry of the Navigators, P. O. Box 6000, Colorado Springs, CO 80934

32. Huff, Francine L. The 25-Day Financial Makeover 2004 Revell, A Division of Baker Book House Co, P. O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287. www.bakerbooks.com 2004 About $12.00

33. Whitney Hopler, God Will Restore What You Thought Was Wasted. There is hope after your dreams have been ruined. Live It Channel editor, Adapted from After the Locusts: Restoring Ruined Dreams, Reclaiming Wasted Years, © Copyright 2002 by Janis Coleman. Published by Broadman & Holman Publishers, Nashville, Tenn., www.lifewaystores.com, 1-800-448-8032

34. http://www.ra-info.org/index.shtml The Ritual Abuse, Ritual Crime, and Healing website.

35. Freeman, Lisa Run For Your Life Copyright@ http://atime2heal.org 2005 A Time To Heal Ministries. Wonderful couple helping people overcome immense struggles. She is a speaker and has been on Oprah! We’ve encouraged each other through email.

36. Orman, Suze “The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom” and “Women & Money: Owning the Power to Control Your Destiny” both books can be found at the local library or at http://www.suzeorman.com/

37. Victim’s Rights/Strength in Unity: www.crimevictims.gov

38. Mothers Of Preschoolers (MOPS) www.mops.org they have a free DVD!

39. My webpage for helping Parents with Special Needs Children: http://hometown.aol.com/angilwytr/AngelWryterParentsNews.html

40. Evans, Patricia The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond 1992 Adams Media, an F+W Publishing Company, 57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322 ISBN: 1-55850-582-2. Not a Christ-centered book but very interesting.

41. The Mom’s Guide to Earning and Saving Thousands on the Internet by Bar Webb, MacGraw-Hill, 2006.

42. Www.momdotcom.net

43. Haskins-Bookser, Laura Dream To Reality: Help for the young moms, education, career, and life choices Morning Glory Press6595 San Harold Way, Buena Park, CA 90620-3748 www.morningglorypress.com

44. Alderich, Sandra From One Single Mother to Another: Heart-Lifting Encouragement and Practical Advice Regal Books/Gospel Light Worldwide, P O Box 3875, Ventura, CA 93006 www.regalbooks.com 1991 Wonderful book! Wonderful Christian Author! I had the privilege to meet Sandra at a convention.

45. Anderson, Joan The Single Mother’s Book: A Practical Guide to Managing Your Children, Career, Home, Finances, and Everything Else. 2^nd Ed. (This doesn’t have any reference to God’s Word.)

46. Orange, Cynthia Sing Your Own Song: A Guide for Single Moms, How to Get What You Need to Take Care of Yourself. \hazelden 2001 www.hazelden.org

47. Haskins-Bookser, Laura, Dreams to Reality: Help for Young Moms, Education, Career and Life Choices, Morning Glory Press, 2006 This book is not Christ-Centered but a good one for ideas.

48. Living Proof Ministries, Beth Moore: http://www.lproof.org/ P O Bo 840849, Houston, TX 77284 1-888-700-1999

49. The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey Dave condenses his 17 years of financial teaching and counseling into 7 organized, easy-to-follow steps that will lead you out of debt and into a Total Money Makeover. Plus, you’ll read over 50 real-life stories from people just like you who have followed these principles and are now winning with their money. It is a plan designed for everyone, regardless of income or age.

50. O’Hara, Maureen ‘Tis Herself: A Memoir with John Nicoletti Simon & Schuster 2004 Rockereller Center, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020 This famous actress/singer/artist has endured the same trauma we have, she survived and she is a wonder role model and humanitarian.

51. AmyGrant.com Many of her songs have helped me through some very difficult times.

52. The Citizen Scientists "United by the Net and emboldened by their numbers, parents of desperately ill children are funneling millions into research, building vast genetic databases, and rewriting the rules of the medical industry. By Sara Solovitch http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.09/disease.html

53. Knapp, Sheryl, articles written by people with Tourette Syndrome. Our story is the second one down. http://www.sotherebooks.com/nonfict ion.html

Here's a great resource site that can help answer questions of Faith:

54. www.focusonthefamily.com They also have a Single Parent’s magazine.

55. You Can Start Searching information on your child's Special Needs for education: http://www.homeschoolchristian.com/Links/SpecialEd/

56. Mom To Mom Website If this doesn't come up--Click on SEARCH in the scrollable window. This will at least get you started down the right path. www.mom2momlist.com/

57. Becky Tirabassi explains the events that changed her life forever! She was a hip, "disco chick" in the 1970s but when everything went black, she visited a simple janitor who told her the most amazing news ever! Change Your Prayer Life and help others!

58. www.changeyourlifedaily.com

59. FamilyEducation.com

60. SchwabLearning.org has articles on learning disabilities.

61. Parent 2 Parent in Colorado: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/P2P-CO

62. For Financial advice try: http://www.daveramsey.com/

63. Moore, Beth Get Out of That Pit: Straight Talk about God’s Deliverance 2004 Integrity Publishers, a division of Thomas Nelson, Inc. P. O. Box 141000, Nashville, TN 37214

64. http://www.addadhdadvances.com/resources.html

65. Divorce Care, P O Box 1739, Wake Forest, NC 27588, Phone: 800-489-7778, International 919-562-2112 www.divorcecare.com

Removing Your Name From Mailing Lists. Contact the Direct Marketing Association's Mail and Telephone Preference Services at the addresses below: Mail Preference Service

P.O. Box 9008

Farmingdale, NY 11735

Telephone Preference Service

P.O. Box 9104

Farmingdale, NY 11735

Mercy Ministries of America

If you are having a baby during this hard time, you do have people to help!

“When a girl comes to the ‘house that mercy built,’ she encounters unconditional love, hope for a better life, and God's merciful kindness—sometimes for the very first time.

Staff members, under the direction of founder and president Nancy Alcorn, are professionals in their fields, such as counseling, education and social services. Above all, they are committed to helping each girl restore hope and stability to her life.

Girls between the ages of 13 and 28 are admitted with such life-controlling problems as drug and alcohol abuse, unplanned pregnancies, suicidal tendencies, eating disorders, fear, depression, physical and sexual abuse, self-harm (mutilation), sexual addictions and so forth.

All pregnant residents attend a Basic Decision Making course about the options of parenting and adoption, which equips them to make a sound decision, based on God's guidance. Each young woman is required to make her own decision about what is best for her and her baby. Please understand we feel strongly that her ultimate decision about her baby is between her and God; neither Mercy staff nor outside influences (including parents of minors) may coerce her decision. After the young woman makes her choice, the rest of her time in the program is spent in preparation for either parenting or adoption.

The length of stay is determined case by case based on each individual's needs. The average stay is six months.

For pregnant residents only: Because our program is designed for young women during their pregnancy rather than after, Mercy's staff will assist a pregnant resident who chooses to parent in making an individualized plan that will prepare her to effectively parent her child in a safe environment. Young women who choose to place their child for adoption will return to Mercy to complete post adoption counseling for grief issues.

To qualify for entry into the program, each girl must have a willing heart to come and participate fully in the ministry. Mercy Ministries is provided free of charge and girls come voluntarily because they have a strong desire to change their lives. Mercy Ministries provides the opportunity for that change by encouraging each girl to experience the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ.

Please understand that no one may be forced or coerced in any way to enter our program (for example, we appreciate the hearts of parents who strongly want their daughters to come, but our ministry requires that the daughter have a sincere heart desire to come herself).

Write to:
Mercy Ministries of America
PO Box 111060
Nashville, TN 37222-1060
Or Call Us at:
(615) 831-6987
(615) 315-9749 FaxOr simply e-mail us at: info@mercyministries.com

As the process continued [to promote funds for this ministry], twelve artists agreed to join in the project including: Michelle Tumes, Point of Grace, Darlene Zschech, Martina McBride, Lisa Bevill, Amy Grant, Erin O'Donnell, Christine Dente, Donna Summer, Jill Phillips, April McLean, and Kim Hill.

Mercy Ministries exists to transform lives of girls struggling with life-controlling issues by providing free residential care and life skills training through Biblical counseling in a loving environment where mercy triumphs over judgment and dreams of a magnificent future are restored.”[32]

http://www.mercyministries.org/

For your benefit, I’ve included at place for you to keep.

Your Own References: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[2] Lucifer sinned by turning from God, thinking himself a god and temping Adam and Eve.

[4] I learned this from St. Luke’s Medical Center Rehabilitation Program.

[5] Keeping the Faith: Questions and Answers for the Abused Woman, Marie M. Fortune, HarperCollins Publishers, 1987

[6] Jeremiah 3

[7] My church didn’t judge me either, which surprised me. No one has the right to judge you. You can find a church or group that doesn’t.

[8] “Change Your Life Daily Bible; the entire Bible organized in 365 daily readings.” Becky Tirabassi, Scripture quotations marked (NTL) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

[9] BILLY GRAHAM EVANGELISTIC ASSOCIATION "Is there anything wrong with a Christian marrying a non-Christian?" Billy Graham Evangelistic Association (http://www.billygraham.org/).

[10] An instrument like as a mom to become a mom and wife of a righteous man that God can provide to you.

[12] Addy, American Girl Series.

[14] ã A Comprehensive Guide to Parenting On Your Own, Hunter, Linda ZondervanPublishingHouse, Grand Rapids, MI 49530

[15] The Mom’s Guide to Earning and Saving Thousands on the Internet by Bar Webb, MacGraw-Hill, 2006.

[16] ãDisney Enterprises, Inc.

[17] Information obtained from the official website: http://www.habitat.org/getinv/apply.html

[18] Seventeen Magazine, Health SexEd department, “Do you have this STD?” Seventeen Magazine, March-April, 2005 By Rachel Gruman. Seventeen.com/quizzes

[19] Look up resources in your local library. We learned about Kit Kitridge in the American Girl series.

[20] Contributor:
• David R. Berman, Ph.D., Professor of Political Science, Arizona State University.
Berman, David R. "Ombudsman." World Book Online Reference Center. 2005. World Book, Inc. 13 Mar. 2005. . © 2005 World Book, World Book, Inc. All rights reserved. WORLD BOOK and the GLOBE DEVICE are registered trademarks of World Book, Inc.

[22] Forward Facing Car Seats Advised for Children [22] By Jeanie Lerche Davis, WebMD Medical News, Reviewed By Charlotte Grayson, MD on Monday, March 1, 2004

[23] www.NHTSA.dot.gov

[24] I do have to put a point in here that He had made this part of His plan for our lives as He knew about us before we were ever born, See Psalm 139.

[25] Guideposts, 39 Seminary Road, Carmel, NY 10512. www.guidepostsbooks.com

[26] EarthLink: The #1 provider of the Real Internet, my smart-aleck remarks in italics and parentheses.

[27] PLEASE USE DISCRETION AND SEEK A PROFESSIONAL BEFORE TRYING ANY TECHNIQUES IN A DANGEROUS SITUATION-I’M NOT A PROFESSIONAL AND I’M NOT LIABLE FOR ANYTHING YOU DO ON YOUR OWN.

[28] A Comprehensive Guide to Parenting On Your Own, Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids Michigan

[29] Five Star Seminars, 1-800-405-0160 www.fivestarseminars.com or www.coloradosafetyeducators.org for Colorado

[30] Monday, February 7, 2005

[31] SelfDefenseInstructor.com is your source for free Self Defense videos, training, news and directory of local self defense courses. Contact one of our respected self defense instructors.

[32] Quote from the Mercy Ministries of America website: http://www.mercyministries.org

Predator Alert!

Monday, December 10, 2012

Silent Prayers-A Single Mother’s Guide of Hope and Freedom from Abuse

Blow on through the night sky

The Lord will call you back

There are moments

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